Man misses 12-minute window on 'perfectly ripe' avocado

A MAN has missed the 12-minute window on a ‘perfectly ripe’ avocado.

Nathan Muir completely forgot to take advantage of the green and delicious stage of the avocado between 2.34pm and 2.46pm yesterday.

Muir said: “As soon as I remembered the avocado, I raced  home from work, but it was too late. It had started to go brown.”

He added: “I’ll have to save up for ages now to buy another ‘perfectly ripe’ avocado.

“I might ask my parents to get me one for Christmas.”

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Visitors to immaculate house asked to ‘forgive the mess’

VISITORS to a completely spotless house have been asked to ‘forgive the mess’, it has emerged.

Carolyn Ryan welcomed guests into her fastidiously clean home  by pretending that it was a sh*t tip, despite having spent the previous week scrubbing every possible surface within an inch of its life.

Straightening a coaster, Ryan said: “It’s a shame you have to see everything in such a state of disarray.”

Visitor Tom Booker said: “My flat always has my tattered underwear out to dry and spaghetti stains on the ceiling.

“I think this obsessive cleanliness is a cover up for something.”

Ryan added: “It might seem weird to some people, but I think cleanliness is next to godliness. Just don’t go nosing around in the cistern because it’s full of dildos.”