A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.
As figures show that the hedgehog population has shrunk by a third since the millennium, the mammals were told it was time to consider the ‘running like fuck’ approach to self-preservation.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I once made the mistake of going drinking in Newcastle wearing a proper coat and if I’d curled into a little ball instead of sprinting onto a train I’d be extinct today.
“Hedgehogs seem to think vehicles are scared of very small prickly things, or that predators aren’t going to just wait it out until the little ball of food needs a slash.”
Hedgehog Tom Logan said: “No, this can’t be right. If you’re curled up tight in a ball literally nothing can get you, you’re totally safe.
“If a lorry tried to drive over me it would just explode, I’d be perfectly fine and scurry out of the resulting fireball like a small prickly Terminator.
“Also running makes me self-conscious because of how short my legs are.”
Natterjack toad Stephen Malley said: “The toad population has stabilised, that’s because we’ve started to hop the fuck away from larger carnivores instead of puffing our chests out.”
Owl Emma Bradford said: “That hedgehog can curl up all he wants, I’ve got a beak.”