Michael Bublé unable to do up a tie

CANADIAN crooner Michael Bublé is incapable of doing up a tie.

The supermarket music-purchaser’s artist of choice had admitted that he is often depicted with tie undone because the knotting process befuddles him.

The confession came after Bublé was found unconscious in his dressing room, having almost strangled himself while attempting a simple Windsor knot.

Bublé said: “I was so embarrassed that at first I told police I was engaged in a solo sex game.

“All my life I’ve tried and failed to do up my neckwear. It’s just so confusing because when you look in the mirror right becomes left and vice versa. Or is it the other way around?

“At school all the kids would call me ‘messy neck’. I cried and cried, but the mental anguish drove me to become a world-famous artist.

“Hopefully I’m proof that being unable to properly put on a tie or bow tie doesn’t stop you achieving your dreams.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “Early in his career he had a tie his mum had done for him that he loosened every night and tightened the next morning, keeping the loop intact.

“But since the cleaners threw that out he’s desperately tried all kinds of methods, like throwing the tie in the air and running at it in the hope it will drape around his neck.”

Bublé admitted the cover of his last album, which showed him trying to put a tie on, was one of approximately 16,000 such shots taken over a two-day shoot.

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I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

Dear Holly,

I’m having a rough time at work these days. Everyone bitches about me behind my back and whenever I walk in the room there is a definite atmosphere. I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

David Cameron


Dear David,

All it takes is for you to accidentally follow through during music and movement whilst wearing pale yellow shorts, and before you know it, no-one wants to be your partner in PE and your Kermit lunch box ends up on the roof of the bike sheds. Winning back the respect of your peers is not easy. You’ll probably need to get your mum and dad to buy you an amazing bike and some designer trainers, just to stop people from drawing your head on a penis all over the blackboard every day. Also pretend that your brother is joining One Direction so they show mercy when flushing your head down the toilet. If you lie low, perhaps in several years people will desist from throwing nuggets of dried dog dirt at your head and let you live out the rest of your days with a shred of self-respect.

Hope that helps!