Scott team had 'penguin wives'

CAPTAIN Scott and his team married female penguins during their trip to the Antarctic, it has emerged.

Recently-discovered diaries, now published by the Natural History Museum, show that the explorers were first repulsed and then entranced by the penguins’ sexually licentious behaviour.

Scott wrote: “Necrophilia, group intercourse, golden showers…truly these beaked devils are without boundaries.

“Despite this, their females have the most attractive plumage. Especially one whom I have named ‘Leela’, whose flipper feels soft, soothing to the touch and whose eyes tell stories of the sea.”

Scott and the other explorers, who by this stage had not seen a human female for some weeks, became captivated by the lady penguins, even staging a group marriage ceremony in a makeshift chapel constructed of sticks and bear skins.

Scott wrote: “Leela and I spent a magical afternoon together on an iceberg.

“I fell asleep in the Arctic sun, and when I awoke she had brought me a small fish.”

However the men’s dream of bird-based bliss was shattered when Captain Lawrence Oates was attacked by a jealous alpha male penguin.

According to Scott’s diary: “Oates’s betrothed ‘Tamisha’ squawked furiously as the furious suitor set about him with beak and flapping wing. Soon the whole colony was in uproar.

“I fear that our idyll is reaching an end. I have taken one of Leela’s feathers, which I shall carry forever in a locket.”



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'Bully' not the same as 'twat', celebrities told

CELEBRITIES are to have the meaning of the word bully explained to them, in a bid to stop it becoming utterly meaningless.

As Fearne Cotton became the thousandth self-proclaimed celebrity Twitter bullying victim, linguists have asked famous people to consider whether they are being actually bullied, or simply pestered by lonely professional masturbators.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “A bully is someone who uses strength or power to intimidate those weaker than them.

“While people who spend their leisure time pouring ungrammatical bile about famous strangers onto the internet are generally unpleasant both in terms of their personality and bodily odours, are they actually bullies?

“For example, if you’re a millionaire media person and your Twitter nemesis is a hairy virgin who eats biscuits for main meals, is there the same dynamic as between a small ginger-haired boy and the thick-necked classmates who dangle him off the stairs every lunchtime?

“Clearly the internet can be used to make someone’s life utterly miserable, and people should be able to look at pictures of Harry Styles and still go merrily about their day, but for the sake of human sanity we need to draw a line between ‘bully’ and ‘bell end’.”

Professor Brubaker believes that if the current proliferation of the word ‘bully’ continues, by 2058 all sentences that don’t include the phrase ‘you’re great’ will be deemed as bullying and anyone still saying mean things about Justin Bieber’s hair will be deported to a pleasantness training camp in Alaska.

Bullying victim Tom Logan said: “I’m one of those lucky kids with weird-shaped ears, and consequently every lunchtime my head gets intimately acquainted with a toilet bowl.

“I told my teacher, he said to be strong like Demi Lovato and if it gets really bad to turn off my Twitter feed, which is after all just a free marketing tool.

“I’m not sure which is more depressing – getting daily kickings or living in a world that is basically a 3D version of the Mail Online sidebar.”