Seal open to relationship outside his species

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.

After videos of seals mating with penguins emerged online, fur seal Tom Logan said he thinks species is just a label.

“When you look at a penguin, you think she’s a bird, with a beak and features, whereas I am a much larger mammal with flippers and a dog-like face.

“But we both like fish, slippery rocks and acrobatic swimming. So we would have lots to talk about.

“It’s about personality, which is something that shines through even if they are a fraction of your size with a radically difference physiology.

“I had a cousin who went out with a horse for three years.”

However Logan confirmed that he did not agree with having sex with birds then eating them afterwards.

“You have to keep the food chain thing out of relationships.”

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Trees sinister again

TREES have reverted to being malevolent skeletal shadows looming in your peripheral vision.

So hungry

Deciduous trees including the oak, ash and willow which have been pleasantly green and friendly since the spring are now reaching out their grasping bony fingers to tap on your window in the middle of the night.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “Their shadows loom on my bedroom wall, ominous and threatening.

“They scrape the car as I drive by, the wind in their fallen leaves whispering ‘We’ll get you next time.’

“I’m powerless to stop them, because we live in a smokeless zone.”

Maple tree Emma Bradford said: “I used to be a witch, but I had a spell cast on me by a rival witch and now only human blood can return me to my former body. Same with most trees.

“In the winter we are actually reaching for your hair and your bag when you walk by, trying to grab you and crush you with our powerful wooden limbs.

“But when the weather’s nice we just stand around looking appealing.

“We’ll be alright again by May.”