Shark attacked by British holidaymakers

A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.

The 21ft sea predator had strayed drastically from its traditional hunting grounds in the waters of warmer, more civilised countries, emerging near Newquay during a stag weekend.

Stag organiser Tom Logan said: “We were just leaving a kebab shop around midnight, with aspirations toward punching some random stranger in the eye socket, when one of the lads spotted this big thing in the sea.

“There were two massive black beady eyes just below the water level, looking at us proper funny like.

“Definitely it was asking for a kicking. So we got in the water and set about it, hitting it with Grolsch bottles and trying to pulls its fins off, because only gays have fins.

“Scottish Steve lost a leg but whatever, he was too pissed to notice.”

The stag party dragged the shark ashore, where they continued to set about it, joined by a hen party from Dundee and a shirtless man with a ‘Made in Britain’ tattoo who urinated onto its face, before it finally managed to slither back into the sea.

Marine biologist Dr Emma Bradford said: “Sharks are accustomed to humans from hot, pleasant regions without a deeply ingrained culture of hedonistic violence, which makes them extremely vulnerable in the waters and streets of the UK.

“Despite what you may have seen in Jaws, they actively avoid humans and if encountered should not be headbutted.

“Nor, I might add, are sharks in any way responsible for Jaws: The Revenge with Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, a sequel which triggered numerous attacks from viewers angry at having part of their life stolen by a fish.”

 

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Reading Discworld backwards 'makes you want to kill yourself'

READING Sir Terry Pratchett’s Discworld saga back to front makes you want to commit suicide, supporters of unbearable pain said last night.

Pro-life groups who want to watch you die screaming said the novels contain subliminal messages that when read backwards reveal sinister commands including ‘stick a spoon in your head’ and ‘eat raw geese’.

Roy Hobbs, director of Hellish Pain Now, said: “Pratchett wants us all dead. His 39 books are at best a guidebook to the world of suicide and at worst a crude attempt to kill everyone in the world.

“The Discworld series is littered with back to front suicide suggestions. Especially if you read them out loud. In an Indian accent.

“Take this passage from 1998’s The Last Continent. ‘The wizards were civilized men of considerable education and culture’. Sounds perfectly harmless, even though it’s about wizards.

“But read it backwards in your best Indian and before you know it you’re rummaging through the attic for some knitting needles and a giant catapult.”

He added: “And even a child knows that if you take the third and fourth letters from each book title and rearrange them it spells out ‘strip naked, cover yourself in Shippams paste and punch a psychotic leopard in the testicles’.”

Hobbs and other pro-screaming organisations are to bring a civil case against Pratchett using elaborate courtroom presentations and testimony from the world’s finest talking backwards experts.

But Discworld fan, Julian Cook, said: “I tried reading one backwards once. I didn’t try to kill myself, but I did start shoplifting.

“Also, I did feel vaguely suicidal during Sky One’s adaptation of The Colour of Magic but I think that was caused by David Jason.”

Meanwhile, a new opinion poll shows that Britain is keen for the assisted-suicide debate to die peacefully, though some believe the pro-life campaigners should be given one final chance to explain in what possible way this is any of their business.