A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.
The 21ft sea predator had strayed drastically from its traditional hunting grounds in the waters of warmer, more civilised countries, emerging near Newquay during a stag weekend.
Stag organiser Tom Logan said: “We were just leaving a kebab shop around midnight, with aspirations toward punching some random stranger in the eye socket, when one of the lads spotted this big thing in the sea.
“There were two massive black beady eyes just below the water level, looking at us proper funny like.
“Definitely it was asking for a kicking. So we got in the water and set about it, hitting it with Grolsch bottles and trying to pulls its fins off, because only gays have fins.
“Scottish Steve lost a leg but whatever, he was too pissed to notice.”
The stag party dragged the shark ashore, where they continued to set about it, joined by a hen party from Dundee and a shirtless man with a ‘Made in Britain’ tattoo who urinated onto its face, before it finally managed to slither back into the sea.
Marine biologist Dr Emma Bradford said: “Sharks are accustomed to humans from hot, pleasant regions without a deeply ingrained culture of hedonistic violence, which makes them extremely vulnerable in the waters and streets of the UK.
“Despite what you may have seen in Jaws, they actively avoid humans and if encountered should not be headbutted.
“Nor, I might add, are sharks in any way responsible for Jaws: The Revenge with Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, a sequel which triggered numerous attacks from viewers angry at having part of their life stolen by a fish.”