GIANT pandas will become a common pest in the UK as they breed uncontrollably, it has emerged.
Following the announcement of Edinburgh panda Tian Tian’s suspected pregnancy, experts have warned that giant pandas will soon be considered an invasive species.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Zoo people are idiots.
“They’ve brought this once-shy creature over here and conditioned it into becoming a sex machine.
“Now those pandas are constantly nailing each other. This baby is the tip of the panda iceberg, they’re going to be firing these things out.”
Professor Brubaker predicts that Scotland will run out of panda space by 2026, shortly after which ‘escaped’ pandas will start getting at your bins.
He said: “They will be going through your rubbish making a dreadful commotion, you’ll wake up in the night and see a panda’s fat arse as it runs off with the remains of a chicken jalfrezi, leaving a trail of litter in its wake.
“Leave your garage door for five minutes and a panda will get in there and go to sleep.
“If you try poking it with a stick it’ll snap your arm off like it was a stick of bamboo, then curl up and start snoring again.
“And you should see the shits they do. In fact you will see them, all over your lawn every morning.”