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Smell Of Piss Removed From Trains By 2014

THE unbearable stench of stale urine will be removed from all mainline and suburban rail services by 2014, the transport secretary said yesterday.

Ruth Kelly said Network Rail will spend £1bn a year in a massive nationwide programme to make Britain's trains almost entirely piss-free.

Kelly told MPs: "Traveling by train in this country used to be a piss-free delight. Who can forget the Railway Children or Ivor the Engine's annual trip to the seaside?

"But thanks to decades of Tory cutbacks our railways became so bad that Michael Palin was forced to leave this country and make television programmes about foreigners."

She added: "If we are going to cram thousands of people onto tiny trains, the least we can do is make sure they do not have to endure the unremitting stench of piss."

Kelly said the government would introduce modern, high-speed trains as soon as they had been stolen from France.

THOSE RAIL IMPROVEMENTS IN FULL:

  • The phased removal of arseholed Glaswegians by 2012

  • A state-of-the art 200 mile long train which will take four seconds to travel from Kings Cross to York

  • Small groups of happy children will be employed to wave handkerchiefs at trains on the West Coast mainline

  • Every rural line to be used in an episode of Hetty Wainthrop Investigates

  • Fares to rise in line with inflation. In Zimbabwe.
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Brown Unveils Plans For Underwater Society

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has unveiled ambitious plans to build 50,000 homes at the bottom of England's biggest lakes.

Speaking at his first monthly press conference, Brown said he got the idea from watching the Pixar cassic Finding Nemo.

"There seemed to be an entire society, including schools, housing and employment opportunities, operating successfully under the sea."

The Prime Minister added: "It struck me that such a community would be in no danger of  environmental hazards such as flooding or forest fires.

"And if all the water dried up because of a drought it would simply make it easier to play tennis or drive to the shops."

Despite being pressed repeatedly on the practical aspects of his underwater society, Brown replied, "it'll be fine" over and over again.

The Prime Minister has asked Britain's leading house builders to draw up plans for the new sub-surface homes, which will include state-of-the-art energy saving features such as solar panels, wind turbines, triple glazing and double-flush toilets.

The first aquatic town will be built in Lake Windermere, followed by similar schemes at Coniston Water, Grasmere and Keilder in Northumberland.

The Scottish Executive has already rejected underwater societies and instead plans to build 250,000 tree-houses by 2012.

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