THE unbearable stench of stale urine will be removed from all mainline and suburban rail services by 2014, the transport secretary said yesterday.
Ruth Kelly said Network Rail will spend £1bn a year in a massive nationwide programme to make Britain's trains almost entirely piss-free.
Kelly told MPs: "Traveling by train in this country used to be a piss-free delight. Who can forget the Railway Children or Ivor the Engine's annual trip to the seaside?
"But thanks to decades of Tory cutbacks our railways became so bad that Michael Palin was forced to leave this country and make television programmes about foreigners."
She added: "If we are going to cram thousands of people onto tiny trains, the least we can do is make sure they do not have to endure the unremitting stench of piss."
Kelly said the government would introduce modern, high-speed trains as soon as they had been stolen from France.
THOSE RAIL IMPROVEMENTS IN FULL:
- The phased removal of arseholed Glaswegians by 2012
- A state-of-the art 200 mile long train which will take four seconds to travel from Kings Cross to York
- Small groups of happy children will be employed to wave handkerchiefs at trains on the West Coast mainline
- Every rural line to be used in an episode of Hetty Wainthrop Investigates
- Fares to rise in line with inflation. In Zimbabwe.