Insurance Companies Pretending To Be Chinese Restaurants

BRITAIN'S biggest insurance companies are pretending to be Chinese restaurants to avoid flood damage claims, the Daily Mash has learned.

Direct Line has disguised its Croydon HQ

Thousands of consumers have complained that they are unable to get through to the freephone numbers on their policy without being asked to place an order.

Denis Fynch-Hatton, from Cheltenham, said: "I tried phoning Legal and General on several occasions and each time I was greeted by someone doing a very poor Chinese accent screaming 'he no here! he no here!'.

"Eventually I did get through to someone who spoke English and was able to order prawn toast, vegetable spring rolls and kung-po chicken – and guess what? It never arrived."

A spokesman for the Association of British Insurers said: "We're very busy just now. Why not buy a can of Fanta and read a three year-old copy of Marie Claire?"

The Daily Mash attempted to contact some of the UK's top insurers yesterday:

  • Direct Line – A recorded message claiming to be the 'Hunan Palace', opening hours, 6pm – 1am

  • Prudential – Refused to discuss warped floorboards and ruined furniture and demanded to know if our name was on the buzzer

  • Norwich Union – Had never heard of Norwich. Told we were outside the free-delivery area

  • Endsleigh – No chicken, only pork. Free prawn crackers after 45 minutes

  • Liverpool Victoria – 'WHAT NUMBER? WHAT NUMBER?'