Spider leaving your shit house to move up property ladder

THE spider who lives in your house is moving somewhere nicer, he has confirmed.

After spending generations in your shitty little house, spider Roy Hobbs decided to move out from behind your boiler and into a bigger house whose owners have a bit of style.

Hobbs said: “I’m heading off to the smarter end of town, to somewhere a bit roomier with better light.

“I’ve finally realised that I can move house without any exchange of funds. I simply crawl into another house and there you go, I live there.

“The place I’m considering has a garden as well,  which will be great for entertaining other spiders, unlike your sad little balcony with all the dead plants and the neighbours’ washing dangling down over it.”

However Hobbs added: “I can’t thank you enough for not cleaning up that often, this place has been a treasure trove of flies.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Desperate TSB customers using a barter system to pay for food

TSB CUSTOMERS are now using a barter system to pay for rent and food, they have confirmed. 

Unable to access their money in weeks and no longer understanding the concept, TSB account holders are trading personal possessions, sex and items they have found for necessities. 

Tom Logan of Durham said: “You do well at the corner shops. They get it. I’ve got a year’s supply of fresh bread for a PS4 Pro, which is a solid deal. 

“But Sainsbury’s don’t want to know when you truck in a load of scrap metal to exchange for the big shop, and my promise of fealty in war in return for gas and electric has been rudely ignored by Eon. 

“But TSB is gone, my savings vanished like a dream, and if I try to log on I just get a screen saying ‘The hunter-gatherer bank’. 

“Oh yeah, and that thing about restaurants making you do the dishes if you can’t pay for your meal? That doesn’t happen. They just shout at you.”