Spider leaving your shit house to move up property ladder

THE spider who lives in your house is moving somewhere nicer, he has confirmed.

After spending generations in your shitty little house, spider Roy Hobbs decided to move out from behind your boiler and into a bigger house whose owners have a bit of style.

Hobbs said: “I’m heading off to the smarter end of town, to somewhere a bit roomier with better light.

“I’ve finally realised that I can move house without any exchange of funds. I simply crawl into another house and there you go, I live there.

“The place I’m considering has a garden as well,  which will be great for entertaining other spiders, unlike your sad little balcony with all the dead plants and the neighbours’ washing dangling down over it.”

However Hobbs added: “I can’t thank you enough for not cleaning up that often, this place has been a treasure trove of flies.”