Still cold, say men without coats

MEN who decided to leave their jackets at home today have confirmed that they made a mistake.

The sunshine, tweeting birds and blossom on the trees have fooled millions into thinking it would be warm enough to go coatless who have then discovered it definitely isn’t.

Nathan Muir, who headed out for lunch in just his shirt, admitted bitterly regretting his decision just a few steps from the door.

He said: “Don’t be deceived by the sun. Looks nice, but even if you’re sitting right in it, it’s barely warm enough to keep one’s balls swinging.

“And what you can’t see from behind glass is there’s a knifey bitch of a wind out here.”

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Most starter homes now in fantasy games

BRITONS desperate to own homes are increasingly opting to live in Playstation games.

With consoles now offering virtual reality add-ons, first-time buyers are purchasing homes in magical realms for as little as 3,000 gold pieces.

Trainee solicitor Tom Logan said: “It’s hard to find a two-bedroom flat in London for less than £300k, so it made perfect sense to buy in the land of Nazgor, located in the Playstation 4 game Age of the Dragon Kings.

“After doing basic quests like killing local bandits, we’d earned enough gold pieces to buy a woodland hovel. It’s pretty basic and doesn’t have a toilet for some reason, but it does have plenty of storage space for weapons and armour.

“Living in a Tolkienesque place does mean we spend a lot of time fending off the orcs and the undead, but it’s less dangerous than a lot of Zone 5 places.”

His partner Nikki Hollis, said: “Facilities are excellent, with a tavern, an armourer and a magic potions shop all in close walking distance. However I am having a real struggle finding a decent patisserie or a hairdresser.”

Hollis admitted that living in a fantasy role-playing game had its own pressures, such as finding time between quests to hold down a job in the real world to pay for electricity for the games console.

She added: “If we have kids, there are plenty of places at the local Mages Guild, which is like a free school but less eccentric.”