Where’s our tax cut? ask paintballing sherry enthusiasts

PEOPLE who drink sherry after a vigorous afternoon of paintball have demanded a tax cut.

They claim the Chancellor has ignored them in favour of sedentary leisure pursuits and alcoholic liquids served through a pump.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I’m a hardworking person and paintballing and sherry are the only two things I enjoy. Obviously I’m not that hardworking otherwise it would just be bingo, bingo, bingo.

“Nevertheless, when I remove my paint-spattered body armour and grab my bottle of Croft Original I am being as British and decent as anyone.

“Why is it always the stereotypes who get everything their own way?”

There was also anger from people who race ride-on lawnmowers while drinking mead.

Nathan Muir, from Hatfield, said: “There is nothing quite like the thrill of taking a sharp bend atop a Toro DH220 while trying not to spill your mead. It should be affordable to all the hardworking types.”

Economist Julian Cook said: “Paintballing and lawnmower racing do not have the same mass brainwashing potential as The Bingo.

“Also, I suspect the government is trying to create a Nazi-like force of beer swilling, brown-shirted grandmothers.”

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Facebook is my Frankenstein's monster

Dear Holly,

I’ve had a change of heart: I’ll give back all my fame and fortune and switch off Facebook forever. Like Frankenstein, I have watched my precious creation gradually morph into a terrifying monster. Videos of beheadings are one thing, but thousands of selfies of middle-aged women with no make-up is enough to make me sick in my mouth. I don’t care if it’s for a good cause: no-one should have to see such atrocities in their newsfeed. Please make them stop.

Mark Zuckerberg 

Palo Alto

Dear Mark,

My granny says that in the olden days people used to take photos of other people, as well as flowers and mountains and all sorts of other pretty things. How weird is that? Why on earth would you want to take a picture of anything other than your own amazing face? I told everyone at school and they were like: ‘no way!’ and then we all took a photo of our reactions to this news and uploaded them to the internet so that the rest of humanity could witness the importance of our incredulous faces.

Hope that helps,