Stupid f**king hats everywhere

BRITAIN was awash with stupid hats, it has emerged.

As the cold weather continued trainee solicitor Julian Cook wore a brightly patterned Inca hat with his business suit that made him look like he had escaped from a mental hospital.

In Colchester, accountant Helen Archer went for the retro communist look with a cheap Russian-style fake fur hat from Millets. Everyone said she was an arsehole.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Too many people these days are using cold weather as a way of expressing their unbearable personalities.

“If it is very cold and you are tempted to go outside, at least think about buying a hat that isn’t stupid. You may have seen some of them in the shops when you were buying your stupid hat.”

Meanwhile, in Glasgow a young man wore a Fair Isle patterned wool skullcap teamed with a grey duffel coat and red cord trousers and was shouted at so much that he started to cry.

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'I'm still in control', says most ironic prime minister ever

THERESA May is head-and-shoulders ahead of rivals in the competition to be Britain’s most ironic prime minister ever, historians believe. 

May, who responded to losing a crucial Brexit vote by proclaiming herself even more in control than ever, has used her inability to say anything which is not the exact opposite of the truth to build an unassailable lead.

Professor Helen Archer of Cambridge University said: “Britain is the home of irony so consequently we’ve had some pretty ironic leaders.

“Pitt the Younger was 92, for example, and in recent years the entire Gordon Brown premiership can be viewed as a particularly cruel joke about his supposed competence as a chancellor.

“But, from her early claims to unite the country while pursuing deeply divisive policies to the whole ‘Strong and stable coalition of chaos’ thing to today, May is mining the irony seam to new and bitterly hilarious depths.

“I mean, technically every statement is ironic because she begins with ‘I have been very clear’ before being the exact opposite. Though the DUP’s ‘magic money tree’ is probably her absolute peak.

“So based on taking her words and assuming the inverse, she’ll lead us into financial disaster and spiralling inequality while not getting us anywhere near Brexit. Halfway there already.”