Sun will not set this evening

THE sun is to beat down on the country for a punishing 48 hours without reprieve, scientists have confirmed.

Due to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, the sun will not disappear beneath the horizon this evening and the brief night-times you have been struggling to enjoy will fail to occur.

Meteorologist Donna Sheridan said: “It’s all to do with the earth’s orbit and its distance from the sun. Complicated stuff you wouldn’t understand so I’m not going to explain it further. We scientists refer to the phenomenon as ‘sweating like a pig’.

“The upshot is that come midnight it’ll be as dazzlingly bright as midday. You’ll be able to hang your washing out to dry at 1am, take your dog for a walk in broad nightlight, then top up your tan. That’s if you haven’t been driven mad by the lack of sleep.

“By the next morning your body clock will be completely f**ked and you won’t know what day of the week it is, let alone the time. It’ll feel ten times worse than jetlag and by the afternoon you’ll feel like a zombie as you mindlessly stagger out for a pint.

“Scotland will of course be spared and continue to be a gloomy shithole, so maybe go there.”

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Man is boob man, bum man and if he's honest, fanny man

A MAN prefers not to rule out liking any specific bits of a woman, he has explained.

When asked, progressive thinker Tom Booker refuses to define himself in such simplistic terms as a ‘boob man’ or ‘bum man’, and is keen to stress the importance of fannies.

Booker said: “In its present form, the traditional question is simply too reductive.

“When people ask me if I’m a boobs man or a bum man my answer is always the same. I like them both. To me it’s ridiculous to have to choose. 

“The thing is, I like fannies just as much. But nobody ever asks. If they did I’d have to tell the truth and say they’re just as good as boobs and bums – if not better.

“Also I can’t think of a situation where boobs did not come with both a bum and a fanny included. And legs for that matter. They’re not my favourite but I certainly don’t mind them.” 

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “Tom’s restored my faith in men. Too many of them just like tits and arse, but he’s interested in a woman’s vagina. There aren’t many guys like him out there.”

Booker added: “I’m something of a Renaissance man. To me, all parts of a woman’s body are equal in their ability to provoke wonder. Especially boobs, bums and fannies.”