Sunny weather fills local park with dickheads

THE recent sunny weather has lead to a sharp increase in dickheads going to the park.

Researchers found that dickheads chose to go to the park, not to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air, but to annoy normal people as much as possible.

Non-dickhead Tom Booker said: “Me and my mates kicked a ball round a bit, had a beer, a little barbecue. It was really nice.”

But dickhead Martin Bishop said: “I went to the park with my dog, Rizla. He’s nuts so I like to let him off the lead and then scream after him everywhere he goes.

“I also like to smoke weed, play Gabba music off my phone and attempt to start conversations with strangers in a way that they will find incredibly intimidating.”

Julian Cook, a man lacking in self-awareness, added: “I like to play my acoustic guitar in the park on sunny days. Does that make me a dickhead?”

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City trader who works 18 hours a day thinks he's 'a winner'

A MAN who works in a high level city job and gets four hours sleep a night considers his life a success.

Wayne Hayes, 30, takes no lunch breaks and works all through weekends to maintain what he regards as a position at the top of humanity.

Hayes said: “Sleep is for losers. As is family life and leisure pursuits of any kind.”

Doctors have predicted that Hayes will be dead by the time he is 35, but Hayes insisted that, ‘middle age is for losers’.

He admitted he sometimes wondered if he was not just a modern day slave who had been dumb enough to buy into a psychotic corporate work ethic.

But he added: “The prestige, the BMW and the mortgage on a maisonette in Croydon make it all worthwhile.”