Sweatiness out of control

BRITONS are sweating like pigs as the weather refuses to make up its mind.

Commuters unsure whether to dress for a pleasant spring evening or a trip to the ice planet Hoth are making public transport smell like a prison gym.

Sales administrator Nikki Hollis said: “I was putting on gloves this morning because it was snowing. By the time I got to work they’d given me a tan line.

“I’m experiencing more extremes of temperature than a menopausal malaria patient.”

The Met office has issued assurances that the current weather is perfectly normal for a climate that’s completely fucked, and by June it will settle into being tolerably mild for a fortnight before winter starts again.

The forecast for the next seven days has become so convoluted that it was scrapped in favour of a statement simply reading: “All of it. All the weather.”

A side effect of the current conditions is that detailed weather chit-chat is preventing the discussion of important things.

Plumber Julian Cook said: “My doctor never got round to telling me the results of my tests this morning, she was too busy describing how she found a lizard in her garden that looked like something from Spain.”

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Every 100th cigarette amazing

ONE in a hundred fags has a special ingredient that makes it incredible.

Cigarette manufacturers admitted the ruse after consumer groups questioned them on why smoking is occasionally very, very enjoyable.

Tobacco factory owner Roy Hobbs said: “Most smoking experiences are quite grim and leave you wondering why you bother. But the odd fag knocks you sideways with its deliciousness.

“That’s because of a special ingredient called ‘sparkle’ that we lace into 1% of cigarettes.

“I can’t tell you what it is exactly but it comes from beyond our solar system.

“It’s like a shimmering life energy.”

Smoker Nikki Hollis said: “Cigarettes are like cups of tea, you just get the odd one that is really incredible.

“Knowing that ‘special’ cigarettes are not just in my imagination is a great incentive to keep smoking.”