Teachers to be rewarded for shitness

UNPROFESSIONAL teachers have welcomed proposals to allow pupils to help set teachers’ pay.

History teacher Tom Logan said: “The kids love me because most of my lessons resemble a less organised version of the London riots.

“I also frequently attempt to be ‘down with the kids’ by telling lame anecdotes about getting pissed at university. It never works and they still think I’m a prick, but they prefer it to the Corn Laws.

“Now it looks as though I’ll be getting a pay rise, and the kids won’t even have to learn anything. Everyone’s a winner.”

Roy Hobbs, president of the National Union of Crap Teachers, said: “It’s about time our members were properly rewarded for years of putting on a video while they go for a fag.”

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I appeared to be sobbing like a Jessie over Thatcher

Dear Holly,

Yesterday I attended the funeral of possibly one of the greatest female prime ministers the UK has ever had, and had a mostly fabulous time, but as I took my seat for the service I accidentally caught one of my onions in between two chairs and subsequently spent much of the service trying to hide the excruciating pain. Unfortunately the eyes of the world were on me, and I appear to be sobbing like a Jessie over a woman I only met once. I just wanted to set the record straight.

George Osbourne 


Dear George,

Don’t worry, I’m sure most people assumed you were crying because you were so embarrassed to take part in the most tedious television programme ever to be broadcast. That’s what I assumed, anyway. At my school we all got told we were getting a special TV treat and immediately assumed we’d get to watch High School Musical 3 or something, but it soon transpired that was not the case, and instead of mooning over Zac Efron we were going to be watching some sort of rubbish reality show called Funeral Live. The only good bit was when they were going up the steps with the coffin and there was a slight chance of them dropping it, You’ve Been Framed style, but after that it all went downhill. I haven’t got a clue why Jeremy Clarkson agreed to be in it either – he was on foot for some strange reason. I’ve written to the BBC suggesting that the next episode should involve Mr Tumble or Floella Benjamin to lighten the format up a little – that guy Jeffrey Archer was definitely a bad casting choice.

Hope that helps,