Boss acting like you're Oliver Twist

ANY requests for a pay rise this year will be met with a stern look and possibly being hit with a ladle.

As it emerged that salary increases are now somewhere between 1% and sweet fuck all, employees reported getting tongue-lashings for their disgraceful ingratitude.

Sales administrator Tom Booker said: “My boss is a big red-faced man with a booming voice and a greasy leather apron, or at least that’s how he looks to me.

“I was going to tell him how I’d consistently exceeded targets but my voice went all small and all I could manage was, ‘…please sir?’

“He bent double so that his face – which seemed to be the size of a moon – was level with mine and said, ‘HOW…DARE…YOU?’

“I felt the warmth of my bladder emptying itself down my leg and everyone in the office simultaneously burst out laughing. Someone threw a stapler that hit me on the ear.”

But Julian Cook, who lost his job last year and now steals loaves, said Booker should think himself lucky.

“I watched it all with my soot-smeared nose pressed up against the office window, and he doesn’t know he’s born.

“He’s browsing the internet now and eating a packet of Wotsits like it’s no big deal. To me those Wotsits would be manna from Heaven.”

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England to be entirely covered in decking by 2015

RELAXED planning laws mean that the entire surface area of the UK will become decking, it has been claimed.

Campaigners fear that easing regulations will see Britain’s love of attaching wooden platforms to its property spiral out of control.

Anti-decking activist Tom Logan said: “The English are far too obsessed with decking for this to be a good idea. The principle is that ‘decking is good so more decking is better’.

“Suburban areas would become expanses of treated lumber, expanding until the whole country was brown and flat, scattered with groups of people having barbecues.

“Food production would halt, but pride in the decking would be such that no-one would smash it to reach the soil beneath.”

Communities secretary Eric Pickles is introducing the new laws so that he can attach some decking and a conservatory to Big Ben.

Pickles said: “The conservatory would be very tasteful, more of an orangery really, where one could read the paper and perhaps eat a cake, while the decking would be varnished and slippery to deter joggers.

“I’m not into joggers, I don’t really ‘get it’.”