ANY requests for a pay rise this year will be met with a stern look and possibly being hit with a ladle.
As it emerged that salary increases are now somewhere between 1% and sweet fuck all, employees reported getting tongue-lashings for their disgraceful ingratitude.
Sales administrator Tom Booker said: “My boss is a big red-faced man with a booming voice and a greasy leather apron, or at least that’s how he looks to me.
“I was going to tell him how I’d consistently exceeded targets but my voice went all small and all I could manage was, ‘…please sir?’
“He bent double so that his face – which seemed to be the size of a moon – was level with mine and said, ‘HOW…DARE…YOU?’
“I felt the warmth of my bladder emptying itself down my leg and everyone in the office simultaneously burst out laughing. Someone threw a stapler that hit me on the ear.”
But Julian Cook, who lost his job last year and now steals loaves, said Booker should think himself lucky.
“I watched it all with my soot-smeared nose pressed up against the office window, and he doesn’t know he’s born.
“He’s browsing the internet now and eating a packet of Wotsits like it’s no big deal. To me those Wotsits would be manna from Heaven.”