The days are getting longer, confirm cheerful twats

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: “If we’re being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter today than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

“January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.”

Nikki Hollis, from Leeds, added: “The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

“It doesn’t matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I’m still delayed in the gloom at Croydon and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.”

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'Bring back British hand swearing'

THE traditional British V-sign is being undermined by the transatlantic ‘middle finger’ type of hand abuse, it has been claimed.

Etiquette expert Emma Bradford said the V-sign was as ‘quintessentially British as PG Wodehouse playing croquet with a tea-sipping bulldog on a late summer’s day’ but is in danger of being lost forever.

She added: “There is no more elegant way to express such sentiments as ‘up yours’, ‘fuck you’ or ‘I’m going to get out and chin you at the next set of lights, you piece of shit’.

“The V-sign dates from Norman times, when it was a ribald display by British archers to show the French that they still had their bow fingers, which would have been severed were they captured.

“Yes, I know – insulting the French. How good is that?”

“The ‘middle digit’, by contrast, is a dreadful thing of vague American provenance.

“Probably something to do with burgers, or Elvis.”