The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: “If we’re being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter today than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

“January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.”

Nikki Hollis, from Leeds, added: “The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

“It doesn’t matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I’m still delayed in the gloom at Croydon and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.

“If one more glass-half-full simpleton tells me ‘we’re over the worst’ I will bury them alive with a looped recording of Birdsongs of the Norfolk Broads.

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Bernard Manning defrosted

SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.

Once-popular Manning faked his own death in 2007 as his career faltered, at which point he was frozen in a large plastic tube.

His management have confirmed that they are in the latter stages of thawing him now it is once again amusing to behave like a piece of shit.

Manning’s spokesman said: “It’s an open secret in the industry that Bernard wasn’t dead, merely dormant until the nation’s ambient cruelty had been restored to suitable levels.

“Hence we paid a number of comedians, most notably Ricky Gervais, to help restore the school bully sensibility to Britain’s comedy circuit.”

He added: “The great thing now is that criticism of anyone behaving like a spiteful prick is deemed an affront to freedom of speech, democracy, liberal shit like that.

“Performers are at last free to ‘explore words in a comedy context’. Personally the words I most look forward to hearing Bernard explore in a comedy context are Paki, coon and nigger.

“It is a natural and healthy function of art within a democracy to challenge cultural taboos, and also I like it when Bernard makes fun of Pakis.”

Manning fan and local radio DJ Tom Logan, who frequently appears on tawdry late-night TV clips show about how everything used to be better, said: “Bernard was properly funny, not like these modern so-called comedians who don’t even know how to use prejudice as a means of ingratiating yourself with a roomful of drunk people.”