The gammon's guide to denying global boiling while it's happening

WANT to ignore the world boiling in front of your eyes for no reason other than pure reactionary spite? Expert-hater Roy Hobbs shares his tips. 

Doubt the science

Who’s telling us the world has entered a new age of global boiling? Woke scientists and politically correct pencil-pushers at the UN. That means it’s part of a baffling political agenda to make straight white men like me slightly worse off. But I can combat their so-called ‘empirical data’ with something much more powerful: what Brian says in the pub.

Point out that it’s chucking it down here

Southern Europe is ablaze, or so the establishment says. But how can that be the case when Britain has had the wettest July on record? Those two unrelated facts don’t add up, which means the whole global boiling theory is bullshit. Explain two different things happening at the same time, leftie scientists! Oh, you can’t. What a surprise.

Sneer at protestors

Look at those jobless Just Stop Oil crusties. Blocking roads and ruining tennis matches. But all that awareness-raising didn’t stop global boiling*, did it? Now I think I’ll pretend this is much funnier than it is, like every f**king gammon online. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I love to drink the tears of tofu-munching greenies! That’s told them.

*Not that I believe in it, of course.

Get your information from weird places

The mainstream media is saying that global boiling is real, but they’ve got a track record of being wrong about things I’m uneducated about. I prefer to reinforce my ill-informed hunches with the equally deranged opinions of online strangers. With a controversial topic like climate change, there’s only one way to be sure the information you’re getting is reliable: look for people with lots of Union Jacks in their Twitter name.

If in doubt, blame foreigners

If global boiling does exist foreigners are definitely to blame somehow. Small boats probably have a massive carbon footprint, and jetting them off to Rwanda, which is entirely their fault, can’t be good for the environment either. Also, foreigners eat a lot of hot food like curries. That’s probably the real cause of ‘global boiling’ but everyone’s too woke to admit it.

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NatWest profits soar after kicking Farage out

THE NatWest bank has posted profits of £3.6 billion as a direct result of closing Nigel Farage’s account.

Following the closure of the GB News presenter’s account at subsidiary Coutts, the bank has reported that profits have rocketed and there is an unarguable correlation between the two.

A spokesman, who will be the subject of a Daily Telegraph campaign for his dismissal later today, said: “While Farage was a customer, profits were in the shitter. Now they’re massive.

“There’s no way this was a coincidence. That account was a black hole of profitability. It exerted a negative force on everything around it. Interest rates shrank in its malevolent, bigoted presence.

“Now it’s gone, it’s like the sun came out. Dividends are rolling in. Investments are paying off. When we refuse an overdraft or a mortgage, customers just say, ‘That’s fine if it’s a hassle for that UKIP twat to find a cashpoint.’

“It’s almost as if Farage is a curse who brings anything connected with him crashing downward into total failure. Britain, for example.”