The gammon's guide to telling your children the truth about the climate hoax

NAMBY-PAMBY liberals say you should sit down with your kids and discuss climate change. Here Wayne Hayes explains how he’s teaching them the truth, not eco-fascist lies.

It’s just weather 

Kids understand that the weather varies, but explain high temperatures in terms that make sense to a child: tell them if we didn’t have lovely toasty global warming they’d have to stay indoors all the time and never see their friends, or the family dog would freeze solid and his head would snap off.

Don’t scare them

Children are impressionable and dwell on things, so discuss climate change in a calm, unworried way. Explain that the evil climate scientists can’t hurt them, and if one comes to your house you’ll splatter their brains everywhere with a hammer. You don’t want them to have nightmares.

Eco-activists hate progress

Children should understand the motivation of green campaigners – they’re psychopaths who hate modern society. Ask if they want to live in a world with no day trips because cars are banned. Or live in a freezing hut with no lighting, TV or computer games. Or if they want to die from massive pus-filled sores because greens hate modern medicine. They’ll soon develop a healthy scepticism about global warming.

Make learning fun

You can’t expect small children to absorb a scientific lecture, however well-informed you are. Turn it into a game, for example, you read out a statement like ‘Climate change could soon become irreversible’ and whoever shouts out ‘LIE!’ first wins a sweet. 

Scientists disagree about climate change

Despite what greens say, scientists disagree about climate change. You’ve probably got your own examples, but I recommend Dr Duane T. Phipps of The Christian University Institute of Alabama who’s got a PhD and a web page about climate lies. Okay, his PhD is in sport science, and he thinks climate scientists are paedophile Devil-worshippers, but he’s still a top scientist. 

Get the right educational resources

I’d recommend YouTube clips of Julia Hartley-Brewer, articles by Daily Mail intellectual Melanie Phillips, interviews with Nigel Lawson, the tweets of Jacob Rees-Mogg, and the words of Britain’s greatest politician, Nigel Farage. Make your kids study them for at least an hour a day and they’ll soon be more than capable of rebutting the lies of their Marxist teachers.

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Six songs about driving that try to make it sound fun

DRIVING is boring manual labour nobody but the chronically dull could enjoy. These misguided tracks attempt to make it fun: 

Driving in My Car, Madness, 1982

Songwriter Mike Barson provides a full backstory for his vehicle, including but not limited to what car it is unlike, where he bought it, who from, make, age, place of manufacture, previous owner details, usage for insurance purposes, recent maintenance work, and journeys of interest. Imagine that conversation in the pub.

Autobahn, Kraftwerk, 1974

Germany’s robots from the future chose to narrate the 22-minute drive from Düsseldorf to Hamburg. Lyrics like ‘We are driving, driving, driving on the Autobahn / In front of us is a wide valley / The sun is shining with glittering rays’, punctuate the song’s middle-lane monotony. One for the automotive purists.

Shut Up and Drive, Rihanna, 2007

A thinly-disguised metaphor for f**king, like most/all Rihanna songs, which even while sexing up stepping into a ride with ‘a sunroof top and a gangsta lean’ betrays its frustration with actual motorists. You don’t tell the driver to shut up unless you’re bored shitless of him telling you how much time the A34’s saved you.

Racing in the Street, Bruce Springsteen, 1978

Clearly just such a driver, Bruce is all about detailing the specifications of his machine and how he won his girlfriend by beating a dude in a Camaro in a street race. His girlfriend who cries herself to sleep because Bruce fills the evenings with the same quality chat you’d hear from boy racers in the car park of an out-of-town B&Q.

Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car, Billy Ocean, 1988

In this song Billy instructs his dream girl to vacate his mind and enter the four-wheel reality of his car. It’s a huge leap of faith; for all the dream girl knows she could find herself clambering into a pimped-up Citroen Saxo with UV lights underneath. But for real, Billy was cruising a red-light area, right? That’s where you’d say this?

The Road to Hell, Chris Rea, 1989

This is how Chris really feels about driving home for Christmas. Jams, poison, joy scared into the shadows, the fear of violence choking smiles from every face. The songs we could have been saved from if there were better rail links to Middlesbrough.