Woman sits children down to break bad news that house is worth less

A MOTHER has sat her two sons down to give them the terrible news that their house is worth £30,000 less than it used to be. 

Joanna Kramer told sons Theodore and Raphael that she and daddy had been given some very serious news that she needed to dicuss with them, and yes they could each have a kombucha.

She continued: “You know that mummy and daddy have worked very hard and been very lucky to buy us this lovely house? Which was priced at £840,000 on Zoopla only in June?

“Well, boys, I’m sorry to say that due to economic conditions which are very much not our fault the house has fallen in value by an upsetting amount. And this isn’t the end. It could fall further.

“Don’t cry darlings. No, Teddy, we don’t have to move out. We’ll still live here and it’s still detached, in catchment for a grammar school and worth much more than all your friends’ houses. It’s just a teensy bit less special, that’s all.

“It is unfair, Raffie, terribly unfair. I hoped just as much as you did that this house would soon be worth a million pounds. One day it will be, I promise, but we’ll have to wait a little bit longer.”

Theodore Kramer, aged 11, said: “Mum did really well hiding her tears, but this is devastating for her.”

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Airport drop-off and other crap they've no right charging you for

EVEN in the inflationary nightmare of Britain today, being charged for stuff that has no right not being free still hurts. You’ll resent every penny of these until your dying day: 

Airport drop-off

You weren’t even the one who went on the holiday and you’re only there five minutes, but the opportunity’s there to f**k you over and airports have f**king seized it. Your good deed’s cost you £8 and will your freeloading wife and children stump up? No way. Still, it’s cheap compared to anything in the airport or on the flight.

Hospital parking

Because hospital attendance is largely voluntary, isn’t it? You could always stay home and die. You’re effectively being fined for being sick or worse, fined for dedicating your life to healing the sick. You could order an ambulance to your routine eye appointment, but you’d be a wanker and it wouldn’t come.

Passport check and send

A passport’s already a £70 rip-off – surely a document proving your identity and right to be here should be standard? Then you pay another £16 for the post office to check you’ve got your own date of birth right, because if you don’t an officious twat in Peterborough will rule your signature violates box borders and you’re in Lanzarote next month.

Booking fees

The gig itself costs more than is reasonable, shitloads more. And then they slap another £15 on top? Sometimes breaking it down insultingly by charging you £1.50 to print your own tickets on your own f**king printer? It doesn’t cost money to email a PDF, you bastards.

Guaranteed parcel delivery

‘I’d like to send a parcel.’ ‘Certainly sir. The service where there’s every chance it won’t arrive and you’ll have no recourse if it doesn’t, or would you like it to actually reach the recepient? That costs extra.’

Discretionary service charges

This fancy restaurant is so dedicated to removing all your stresses and cares that they’ve added a 15 per cent tip on your behalf, added to your bill without your lifting a finger. Looking tight-arsed by getting it amended is sufficient to stop most. Make a scene if you like but your date will judge you and you’ll get no shag.