UK one flight to Egypt short of hitting net zero

BRITAIN has fallen short of its goal to hit net zero by one flight to Egypt, it has been confirmed.

The UK’s hard work recycling its domestic waste, cutting energy use and virtually wiping out heavy industry had the country almost at net zero until a single flight to Sharm El-Sheikh ruined it all.

Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “The numbers don’t lie. This one act has offset every time you used public transport, remembered reusable cotton tote bags or ordered the vegan burger.

“A single flight, by a heedless individual who gave in to peer pressure, has undone a whole nation’s hard work. You might as well have driven a Range Rover off-road to a steak restaurant, throwing burning polystyrene out the windows as you went.

“I’d say it’s not the end of the world but it kind of is. Climate change is irreversible now. Earth will be uninhabitable by May next year. Good game, everyone, good game.

“Such a shame it was impossible to do this by Zoom. It’s not like anything they say out there will make any difference.”

Prime minister Rishi Sunak said: “Not my flight. It was Boris’s flight.”

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Being thin finally back in fashion after years of ridicule, exclusion and mockery

AFTER decades of being considered bony, unattractive monstrosities shunned by culture and society, being thin is finally back in fashion.

In a landmark moment for those with fast metabolisms, cultural critics have heralded the long-overdue end of an era when normal, overweight and even the obese are upheld as the universal standard of beauty.

Naturally slim 5ft 10in Carolyn Ryan said: “I have no real boobs to speak of. My backside is not plump and luscious. No man has ever described me as ‘thicc’.

“No matter how much weight I gained around my hips, thighs and bust to be more like a Kardashian, it didn’t stay on. So I long ago resigned myself to spending my life alone.

“But now being slim is in, young, pretty and white women like me are finally covered in the media, and I feel seen. It’s emotional for me to know that my lithe, toned body will finally be accepted.”

Vogue editor Cheska Johnson said: “Heroin chic is back, slim silhouettes are dominating catwalks, the plus-sized reign of terror is finally over. We’re putting a size zero girl on the cover and I don’t care who it shocks.

“If little skinny girls can be represented then perhaps they’ll be inspired to go into acting, singing, modelling or just being universally desired.”