'Phil stroke Holly. I'll get you out of this shit if you get me in the funeral. Quid pro quo babes': the texts of Gavin Williamson

GAVIN Willamson offered an ex-chief whip abuse, Tony Blair an arms deal and Sir David Attenborough a pair of breeding tarantulas to get into the Queen’s funeral. These are his texts: 

Boris. Carrie’s no good for this gig, she’d be like a weeping mistress at the graveside of a faithful husband. I’ll be your plus one. Still got the photos. Thanx G-Wizzy

Your Majesty. Many sorrowful returns. Also sorry for calling you a ‘wet green prick who spaffed a hot marriage right up the Regency wallpaper’ at the 2019 reception. Any chance of a seat at the back?

Phil stroke Holly. You’ve f**ked this right up. The whole country wants your heads on plates. Do your queue-jumping trick for me and I’ll calm the ignorant wankers down. Also we should have a threeway

Andy. I can get Balmoral rezoned as a D of E campsite for 18-21-year-old girls. call me

Sanna. Prime minister of f**king Finland? Shit job and nobody cares. But you’re hot enough to be on my arm for the funeral. No sneaking coke in. I’ve sorted that

Wendy M. Thought you understand my abusive, sneering texts were just how chief whips flirt. Send me a tirade of explicit, deviant filth back. I’ve got my Matt H in my hand here.

Truss you f**king freak. We all know you’re going to cock this up. Give me the speech, I’ll do it.

Blunt. You’ve had my bloody seat you singing twat. Don’t lie to me, we both know you’re doing You’re Beautiful at the gig. get me in with you or I will break your arse in half.

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Crowd at bonfire realises this is what warm banks will look like

A CROWD of people huddled around a bonfire have realised they are staring at what warm banks will look like.

After the initial fascination of watching controlled outdoor flames wore off, attendees at the Pulteney Mews recreation ground bonfire became aware they were looking at how the poor and vulnerable will be forced to keep warm come winter.

Mum of three Emma Bradford said: “At first I was mesmerised by the flickering colours and the shower of sparks. Then after five minutes reality crept back into my brain and I felt sad again.

“The government’s not going to make warm banks out of lovely bespoke spaces. They might chuck a space heater into a library if we’re lucky. But let’s be honest, a rudimentary pile of burning twigs in an open field is much more likely.”

Onlooker Joseph Turner said: “I can see it now. There’ll be a two week waiting time to stand in front of the flames for five minutes and booking an appointment will be nigh-on impossible.

“I should really get into the flammable politician effigy business while I can. That sector’s going to be doing a roaring trade when these things roll out.”