Date produces pre-relationship Christmas present waiver to sign

A MAN has presented his date with a legal document indemnifying both parties, should they progress to a relationship, from Christmas 2022 presents.

Tom Logan presented Hannah Tomlinson with the contract following their starter, recognising that the inauspicious timing of their first date necessitated clarification to ‘clear the air’.

He said: “If we’d started dating at the beginning of December, we could shrug it off. But November? There’s no chance of love blossoming with that outlay hanging over you.

“We’d be past the month mark and obligated to buy without knowing each other. End result? Huge non-recoverable spend, dissatisfaction on both sides, affection shrivels and dies.

“So I took the liberty of preparing this document. We both sign and we’re explicitly prohibited from buying each other any gift until January 31st, 2023. I just feel codifying it will release inhibitions and enable romance.

“It comes with the standard clauses about you explaining to friends I’m not cheap, loophole for the exchange of sexual favours if the relationship’s reached that point, and a punitive system of fines for violations. Sign here and countersign here.”

Tomlinson said: “Delighted to sign. And let me say I find your insistence on fiscal responsibility very attractive.”

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Harry Potter, Russell Brand and other stuff you really dodged a bullet by not getting into

MISSED out on pop culture landmarks back in the day? Don’t worry. If these things passed you by, you won in the long run.

Harry Potter

Not reading the Harry Potter books when they came out made you a pariah in the playground. But at least your cherished memories of the wizarding world haven’t been ruined because they were written by someone who has since lost your respect by devoting themselves to the Twitter hellscape. You didn’t get tricked into pissing away two hours of your life watching The Crimes of Grindelwald, either. Lucky bastard.

Russell Brand

Everyone thought you were a bit uptight when you didn’t laugh at the ribald ramblings of a man with ridiculously coiffed hair who pranced around the stage in skinny jeans. It’s almost as if you could see the twat behind his comedy persona. You felt vindicated when the whole Andrew Sachs thing blew up, and his subsequent spiritual awakening has only proved your hatred right in new and surprising ways.

Little Britain

The early Noughties were a different time. Back then everyone laughed at chavs, moronic catchphrases and transphobic fat-shaming blackface on prime time BBC One. Everyone that is except you, who saw the problematic sketches for what they were. You do still enjoy watching Louis CK clips on YouTube though, so don’t feel too smug about yourself.

Kanye West

Yes, you admit he wrote some catchy tunes back in the day. But you never understood why Kanye/Ye/Saint Pablo’s fans fawned over him and forked out hundreds of dollars for his shit shoes. Couldn’t they see he was an arrogant prick who peaked artistically in 2007? Well, after his antisemitic comments and white supremacist fashion choices, they’re starting to get it.

Game of Thrones

So you were out of the loop of office chat for a few years. Big deal. At least you didn’t sink your time and attention into a TV show that ended disastrously or a series of books that the author can’t be f**ked to write anymore. The only people with worse luck are fans of The Wheel of Time.


Imagine you’d set up an account, pinned your self-worth on regularly coming up with viral tweets, then some billionaire dickhead comes along, drives people off the site and undoes all your hard work overnight. That would suck. Oh, you did do that? Unlucky. At least it only cost you your mental health.