UNSURE what you’d do if caught in a wildfire? Don’t worry – loudmouthed know-it-all Martin Bishop explains how he’d expertly cope from the comfort of a bar stool.
Run into the flames
It sounds counterintuitive, but if you run into the flames you’ll get to where the fire has already been, and that bit will be burnt-out and safe. It’s obvious to a clever person like me, but I suppose a lot of people are just idiotic sheep who’d automatically run away from a massive fire.
Start your own fire first
Find a large area of dry grassland near where you’re staying or camping and set fire to it, then quickly run round stamping it out. Then when the real wildfire arrives just proceed to your safe zone and watch the flames go round it. What could go wrong?
Walk along a river
I’d climb into a river where the fire can’t reach you and walk at a leisurely pace back to safety. Frankly I can’t believe people didn’t just do this in Bordeaux. If it’s a fast-flowing river so much the better, just hop in and let the current whisk you to somewhere safe. It’s no biggie if you can’t swim, just grab a log as a buoyancy aid. There’s always one in films.
Keep low to the ground
Not many people know this, but warm air rises, so there will be a small stratum of fresh air underneath any smoke. Definitely crawl to safety at a snail’s pace with your face pressed to the ground while other people are just walking normally.
Fashion a weapon
In a life-or-death situation, previously civilised people revert to their primal instincts. Get your priorities right and ignore warnings to evacuate until you have finished making a spear.
Climb a tree
What I’d do if a forest was on fire is climb pretty high up in the trees where the flames and smoke couldn’t reach me. Then I’d simply walk from branch to branch until I reached safety. I definitely got this from the power of lateral thinking, not Avatar.
Make a flame-retardant suit
Quickly hunt a deer, four rabbits and a beaver and gut them. Then climb inside the deer skin, put the beaver over your head and put your hands and feet inside the rabbits. Hey presto! A thick, damp, flame-retardant suit. I can’t see a problem with running away from a fire while constantly retching with slimy rabbit corpses on your feet.
Stilts
A no-brainer. Stilts are ideal for crossing an area of burning grass, so I’d just make a pair from branches. It’s such a good idea I might write to the French and Spanish authorities and tell them to put emergency stilts in the countryside. Will they listen? Unlikely. It’s not easy being the lone voice of reason.
