The Met Office has asked the public to be on tornado watch. So I cannot work this morning

STORM Isha has devastated Britain. The whole country is under a weather alert and the public is on tornado watch. So, in all conscience, I cannot work. 

How can I? When the Met Office has commanded those of us with a keen eye for weather patterns to use employ our observational skills? I am a graphic designer. I’ve got more chance of seeing a tornado coming than a mere accountant.

Would Churchill have allowed the firewatchers of the Blitz to abandon their posts because ‘a client has sent through notes’? He would not. And his steadfast focus on duty saved countless lives.

I have met you halfway. I have come into the office, because I recognise it is no less threatened by tornados than my home. But I will remain stationed by the window, observing the weather, watching for the moment it turns.

‘Answer some emails at least’? Perhaps you’re unaquainted with the speed and ferocity of a tornado. A funnel cloud can drop from the sky and become a full-fledged tornado within minutes. This glass would become a blizzard of blades.

‘Not even windy’? Perhaps not currently, but tornados are formed in the upper atmosphere. It might look like I am ‘standing there doing f**k all the entire morning’, yes, but my vigilance cannot relax. I have answered the Met Office’s call. Respect that.

And when you go home safely to your family tonight, do not tell them ‘Julian did bugger all as f**king usual.’ Tell them a lone hero sacrificed a day’s productivity for us all. And if you could bring me a cup of tea? One sugar.

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Really quite worrying couple now married

A COUPLE whose arguments and infidelities have horrified and fascinated everyone around them for years are now married. 

Despite a relationship so beset by drama that it should serve as a cautionary tale, Donna and Tom Logan have decided to continue their shitshow of a union until death do them part.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Married? F**king hell. Glad they only told us afterwards. That would be like being invited to attend the landing of the Hindenberg.

“Okay, the highs and many, many lows of Martin and Donna’s relationship have kept us entertained for years, but it never occurred to me they’d put a ring on it. Once you’ve shat the bed, you don’t promise a registrar that you’ll lay in it forever.

“I imagine he had to get a new suit, after she cut the crotch out of all his others when he went on a night out on her cat’s birthday last year. And he’d shagged all her mates so she went with her sister as witness, because we’d all kept quiet about New Year’s Eve 2019.

“Do they think the normal reaction to a marriage announcement is ‘Really’ or ‘Oh f**k’? Because that’s what they got. It’s the sole time I’ve looked up the high divorce rate, just to reassure myself.”

Donna Logan said: “It’s sad for them, trapped in marriages without any drama, never breaking any furniture. I hope we never end up like that.”