UK bins to stink 'worse than bins in Ibiza' this weekend

THE heatwave set to hit the UK this weekend will see the country’s bins reeking even worse than bins in Ibiza, weathermen have announced. 

Temperatures of up to 40 degrees will mean that British alleyways will be outstenching comparable alleys in Barcelona, Rome, Corfu and Ayia Napa, with buzzing flies at record levels.

Meteorologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “After a wet and odour-dampening couple of months, it’s great news for fans of a really powerful reek.

“This warm front is really going to kick decomposition into high gear, with those big bins behind restaurants and school canteens absolutely unendurable.

“Do try to be careful if you’re walking past one, especially mid-afternoon, and check on older neighbours who may need kitchen bins emptying. Otherwise, enjoy it!”

Helen Archer of Reading said: “I’ve been to Majorca in summer and the whole place smells like something died.

“To think that we’ll have worse than that here in Britain, well – it does make you a little bit proud.”

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Kid late for school because mum was d*cking about on Facebook again

A FIVE-year-old boy was 30 minutes late for school because his mum was messing about on Facebook and lost track of time.

Emma Bradford only picked up her phone to check the time before seeing a notification of an ex-colleague’s birthday and continuing through to that colleague’s holiday photographs.

She said: “Then I had a look at her kitchen renovation which isn’t all that, then there was this garlic-peeling hack, then I got drawn into a discussion about whether Ole Gunnar Solskjær is right for United. I don’t know football but he’s got a kind face.

“Then I looked up, realised the kids were halfway through Despicable Me 3, and saw that somehow a full half-hour had vanished and it was almost 9am.

“I can’t have been on Facebook all that time, because I wasn’t even looking at anything. So I shouted at them because it must have been their fault.”

Jacob Bradford said: “We were late and had to do the walk of shame through the empty playground and sign the late book and Miss Cash was cross with me.

“But I told her it was because mum was on her phone for ages, and she nodded understandingly and gave me a biscuit.”