UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history. 

Just as our fur-clad forebears in mud-brick houses were shaken to the core by the cold white magic covering the ground, people across the North today found themselves panicked by an inch of snow as if it had never been known in their lifetimes.

Historian Mary Fisher said: “As Chaucer wrote, ‘Snowe? Then thy milke man shal be late on his round as if this hath never byn befor.’

“Being caught completely off guard by an annual weather event is a British tradition which delayed the construction of Stonehenge, caused traffic chaos on Roman roads, and almost called off the Iron Age entirely.

“It’s part of our national character to suffer collective amnesia about snow each year, then to remember actually it’ll be gone by lunchtime.”

Martin Bishop, of Glossop, said: “Snow! But why would the sky-gods punish us this way when we have made sacrifice? How will we survive?

“Wow, deja vu.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Nation sick of having heart warmed

BRITAIN has asked retailers to cease their barrage of heartwarming Christmas adverts. 

The torrent of tear-jerking, uplifting festive adverts has left the public desperate for a respite from having their faith in humanity reaffirmed.

Stephen Malley of Eastbourne said: “In the last week, my heart has been warmed to the point where it is uncomfortable and slightly clammy.

“There’s only so many anthropomorphised tales of kindness you can take.

“When it comes to the ad break I’m ready for my greed, envy and gluttony to be given a good workout, and instead find myself suffused with a compassionate glow and fellowship for man.

“Frankly I miss the bastard I am the rest of the year. How about an advert where a boy who’s made his  sister a cake has it ruined by an Audi driving through a puddle, or a fox banker tricking a family of rabbits out of their life savings?”

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “Until the cockles of British hearts are sufficiently warmed to max out their credit cards, the relentless heartwarming will continue.”