'Trump has seen a film about ninjas', confirms Japanese PM

THE Japanese prime minister has confirmed that Donald Trump has seen a film about ninjas and remembers much of it.

Shinzo Abe, who met the president-elect at Trump Tower, was assured that all trade agreements between Japan and the US will be ‘great’ before the meeting focused on the ‘ninja film’.

Abe said: “Mr Trump watched the film on LaserDisc at some time in the 1990s, and enjoyed it, even though it was subtitled.

“The plot apparently revolved around a ninja whose family had been killed by an evil lord and had vowed to take revenge, which unfortunately did not narrow it down.

“At one point he put his swords through the heads of two of the bad ninjas at once and used them as leverage to swing around and kill a third ninja. This was acted out.

“Mr Trump enjoyed the film so much that he bought himself a solid gold shuriken, which he asked his daughter Ivanka to find. She was not able to locate it, but Mr Trump assured me it definitely exists.”

Abe added: “The meeting was very successful. I now know exactly what I am dealing with.”

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Men stay up all night to watch twat drive car

BRITAIN’S pathetically excited dads stayed up all night so they could watch Jeremy Clarkson drive a car.

Millions of fathers across Britain put on their best pair of jeans and stayed up past midnight, further eroding any respect they may have had from their partners and children.

Nikki Hollis, 17, from Stevenage, said her father Peter was emitting ‘childish whoops of glee’, adding: “At 3am he woke me up because he wanted to watch it on the big screen but couldn’t work out the Fire stick.

“He kept saying ‘The boys have still got it,’ while shaking his head in admiration, and asked if I wanted to watch the opening sequence which was ‘like something from Mad Max’.”

She continued: “At half-five I heard him on the phone to one of his mates marvelling at the budget, and when I came down for breakfast he was watching them reviewing a Ferrari for the fourth time.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

Peter Hollis said: “I’m just so relieved that I like it. I don’t really have anything else to live for.”