UK facing child artwork disposal crisis

THE volume of drawings created by children will bury Britain by 2025, experts have warned.

Latest figures show that Britain is facing an environmental catastrophe because weak-willed, sentimental parents are unable to throw their child’s rubbish artwork in the bin.

Waste expert Norman Steele said: “A child armed with a pack of crayons can work through 500 pages of A4 in a matter of minutes. And they insist each and every precious creation is retained.

“As a result parents can only dispose of them by chucking them out the window during the CBeebies Bedtime Hour or flytipping them at midnight in laybys.

“Meanwhile millions of glitter-based collages are being shipped to China, where children of roughly the same age dismantle them by hand.”

Father-of-three Wayne Hayes said: “Scribbling away with crayons is the only thing that shuts them up, so as  the nation chokes on them please try to remember it does buy me five minutes’ peace.

“Also, try not to look at any one picture for too long or it will drive you insane.”

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English suffering from ‘Wales envy’

ENGLISH people are experiencing an unusual sense of inferiority to the Welsh, it has emerged.

With Wales becoming better at football than England, alongside the emergence of Charlotte Church as an unstoppable force for change, English people have admitted to feeling backward and provincial by comparison.

Englishman Tom Booker said, “There was a time when we English felt like we’d almost rather be Scottish than Welsh.

“The Welsh had Max Boyce, but we had Little and Large. They had Harry Secombe, but we had Jimmy Tarbuck.

“Now my kids are speaking in fake Welsh accents, making out like they’re Rhys Ifans or Michael Sheen.”

He added: “I try to make them proud of their heritage by showing them videos of Are You Being Served? and playing them The Lighthouse Family, but they just tell me that Charlotte Church thinks I’m a fascist.”