Traffic lights 'holding back aspirational drivers'

TRAFFIC lights are stopping ambitious drivers reaching the speeds they aspire to, it has been claimed.

A government think tank found that motorists are being unfairly held back by traffic lights that regulate everyone the same, regardless of how fast they want to go.

Tory backbencher Nikki Hollis said: “We are holding back drivers who could easily leap through junctions at 50, 60 or even 80 miles per hour, to protect those puttering along at 30. 

“Just imagine the awe and excitement a young boy would feel as a Mercedes convertible sped past just as he was about to cross the road. Would he then be satisfied with a Kia, or inspired to better himself? 

“And a rising tide lifts all boats, so even less ambitious drivers would find themselves doing 45mph through a busy box junction in a built-up area without a second thought.”

Motorist Stephen Malley said: “Ditch the rules, and rely on the natural common sense, courtesy and fair-mindedness of the average British driver? 

“That’d be more than enough for me.” 

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School photographs creepy because children are evil

CHILDREN look weird in school photographs because of their evil natures, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that school photography looks odd because children cannot conceal their wickedness while sitting still.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When kids are running around they don’t look that evil, in fact they seem almost joyful.

“But if you get them to sit on a bench for a few minutes they struggle to maintain the facade of cuteness and their chilling, cold-hearted nature seeps out through their eyes.

“School photographers usually last about three months before going fully insane.”

Nine-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Everyone thinks I am delightful because of my small stature and pigtails.

“Yesterday I fed a goldfish to a cat, then threw the cat into a river.”