THE relationship is deceased even if the bedroom lurches on like a drooling zombie hungry for flesh. If you’re doing these end it, or at least cheat: 

Bi-annual missionary

There’s nothing wrong with missionary. A bit vanilla, perhaps, but classic for a reason, the ‘GoldenEye is the best Bond film’ of sex. If it becomes your only position, done begrudgingly twice a year, after a few drinks, in the dark while thinking of other people, then it’s a problem. Suggest opening the relationship?

‘He’s popped out’ handjob

Hand relief from your other half might seem like a throwback to early sexual experiences, but it still feels good. Hand relief from yourself while pretending it’s your other half? Feels like something of a sexual cul-de-sac. It might be time to admit, while overwhelmed by the shame of the clean-up operation, this isn’t working.

Scrolling-on-phone doggy

When both in the moment, frantically rutting like dogs isn’t as degrading as it sounds. It’s only cause for worry if both of you think ‘well, he-she isn’t paying close attention, I’ll just check my notifications’. Hands should be used for boob/arse grabbing, or spanking if she’s into that. Your phone will still be there when you’re finished six-and-a-half minutes later.

Cowgirl with someone else

Cowgirl is fun and adventurous, but doing it in a Holiday Inn with someone who isn’t your partner is a massive red flag. You likely booked your room last minute, missing out on online price reductions, and are so caught up in the moment you’ll have a lager from the extortionate mini-bar. Oh, and there’s the physical, emotional betrayal yadda yadda.

Pornhub humping

Not humping in the style of porn stars on adult websites, but the much more literal act of trying to shag your laptop or home PC with the Pornhub page loaded. Your partner would rightly dump you on the spot if they caught you doing this, while also realising why you haven’t initiated since your 2022 holiday to Corfu.