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Not putting a divider on the conveyor belt at Tesco: the next nine tiny crimes Burnham is focusing his government on

AFTER subscription renewals and fake sales, Andy Burnham has outlined the next nine minor rip-offs his government is directing its efforts to stopping: 

Failing to place a divider on a supermarket conveyor belt

Leaving the divider on the side is an attempt to con the next person alone into paying for your shopping that ensnares dozens every decade. Primary legislation is already being drafted.

Those car parks where you didn’t notice it was free on Sundays

Nothing irks Britain more than paying for two hours’ parking, getting the ticket and realising you’ve paid to park from 8am-10am Monday because it’s free on Sunday. If we can fix this, we can fix the country.

Pubs requesting a tip when you pay by card

Why should anyone feel guilted into giving a barman a 10 to 40 per cent tip for pouring two two lagers? Is this not the very basis of his job? And who trusts him not to press ‘40 per cent’ himself when you’re already pissed?

Amazon Prime listing films you have to pay for alongside free films

How many times has decent, hard-working Britain cried ‘Great, it’s on Amazon’ without noticing the tell-tale yellow icon in the lower right meaning it will cost £5.99 to buy? No wonder Reform are high in the polls.

Those card machines that charge £1.50 for a withdrawal

Less of an issue now everything’s cashless, but they still lurk at the back of convenience shops, ready to fleece those unfortunates who suddenly need money for an unexpected late-night high-value cash-only transaction. And are the very backbone of Britain.

Toilet attendants in nightclubs

Not necessary, as demonstrated by most toilets not employing them. Nonetheless users of the facilities feel guilted into dropping a few coins into their plate, then wake up in the morning feeling irritated and blame the health secretary.

Some pairs of 34-waist jeans being decidedly tighter than other pairs of 34-waist jeans

There is no standard sizing in this country, so tens of thousands have bought jeans which fit badly and still lurk in the wardrobe, engendering resentment. Resentment which is then expressed at the polls.

Cinema snacks

There is no earthly way popcorn and a watery Pepsi should cost that much. Ordinary Britons are forced to smuggle in supermarket snacks, and once they become lawbreakers it’s hard to come back. Shoplifting will inevitably follow.

Having to pay £14.99 to watch the Tommy Fury-Eddie Hall fight just to find out Molly-Mae had named her newborn baby Midas

Unacceptable, and directly responsible for the rise of the far-right. Ban will lead the next King’s Speech.

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Brunettes over blondes and bums over boobs: six preferences that make men sexual intellectuals

MEN who favour Anne Hathaway over Sydney Sweeney are the great sexual thinkers of their time. Follow these precepts and you can become the Einstein of being horny: 

Brunettes over blondes

Blondes have more fun, and isn’t that childish and selfish in this current historical moment of populist dictators and climate change? Brunettes, conversely, are the aesthete’s choice and can be trusted to balance the books at home. Choosing to bone a brown-haired bird proves you are a man of depth and sober judgement.

Bums over boobs

Boobs are obvious – they’re right there, front and centre, demanding attention from the weak-minded. A man who gives his sexual peccadillos a little thought has recognised that the bum is closer to the genitalia and is, therefore, is a more coherent and worthy sexual option.

Small boobs over big boobs

If you do have thoughts about breasts, simply from fair-mindedness, you have concluded that small but perfectly formed beats oversized beach balls. Clearly some men still haven’t moved on from Page 3, but as a broadsheet reader you never dabbled in that nonsense anyway and only leafed through Nuts for anthropological reasons.

Athletic over thin

Then there are those men, the model-fanciers, ignorantly demanding women slim down to size eight for their own satisfaction. You deplore them. A truly wise man notes that good cardiovascular fitness and muscle tone allows for better performance in the bedroom, and it’s better for her long-term health.

Wearing glasses

As a heavyweight intellectual yourself, having read all 1,325 pages of Stephen King’s The Stand, you would never begrudge a woman looking bookish. As long as she’s still very, very pretty. And contact lenses are far harder to incorporate into sexy librarian fantasies anyway.

Minimal make-up over a full face

Your knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, with his 2:2 degree from a former polytechnic, is after a woman who wears false eyelashes to the supermarket. You, meanwhile, as a man with a three-figure IQ, recognise that light make-up makes it clearer what her face looks like. Not no make-up though. You’re not an idiot.

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