We charge diesel drivers extra because they’re dirty bastards, say oil companies

DIESEL costs more than petrol as punishment for diesel motorists’ uncleanliness, oil companies have admitted.

The wholesale diesel price is now 2p a litre below petrol, but diesel still costs 4p more at the pumps because drivers of diesel cars ‘are animals who need a lesson’, said a Shell spokesman.

He continued: “The lorries overtaking each other at 0.00047mph? Diesel. The black cab that just cut you up at the lights? Diesel.

“That Nissan Qashqai deafening you with its chugging engine while you choke on its black, black exhaust fumes? You got it in one, my friend.

“They keep their cars like the bin outside a Greggs, they keep their houses like the specialist magazine section at Lymm Truck Stop, and they never wash, preferring to rub their filthy, sooty discharge into their oily skin.

“Farmers obviously get to do that with untaxed red diesel.”

Bill McKay, who drives a petrol-engine Ford S-Max, said: “So they’re different from me, and wrong, and so need to be charged more because of that?

“I can go along with that, certainly.”

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Knowing about San Diego Comic-Con now somehow acceptable

FOLLOWING the latest news from the San Diego Comic-Con is now a normal part of life, it has emerged.

SDCC, for decades been a gathering-place for the shunned of humanity to meet and discuss their life-wasting hobbies, has somehow become an event on the wider world’s social radar.

Tom Logan of Braintree said: “The office manager rushed out excited about the new series of Doctor Who and I turned to Gaby next to me with a practised but genuine sneer.

“To my utter horror, she immediately started babbling about the Sherlock special that Stephen Moffat had revealed in an exclusive panel in Hall H.

“Dazed, I staggered out for breakfast to find the lads from the warehouse sharing Instagram feeds of the hottest cosplayers.

“Where will it all end? In 2025 will I be avidly following the news from Whitby Goth Weekend?

“The nerds have won.”

Comics fan Nathan Muir, attending SDCC, said: “There’s nothing like being here, queuing for six hours to get exclusive Action Comics Lego sets.

“I love the feeling of shared passion, however I would kill any of these people if they stood between me and the superhero merchandise I want.”