Tree surgeons taking all the women

MANLY but sensitive tree surgeons are making too many women fall in love with them, it has been claimed.

Researchers found that 82 per cent of the UK’s female population currently has feelings for trees surgeons, who are strong and brave but also know about nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Tree surgeon’ isn’t so much a real job as a contrived female fantasy.

“But those men are getting so much romance that practically everyone else is being excluded.”

Office manager Helen Archer said: “They have chainsaws, and they are also clever enough to know the latin names of things. I’m in.”

25-year-old tree surgeon Joseph Turner said: “This morning I performed an emergency procedure on a mighty oak.

“I saved its life but in the process a small mouse emerged from the trunk which I scooped up in my large callused hand and carried to safety.

“Then I did some dangerous climbing stuff but was not scared.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I can fix a broken toilet but I’ve not been on a date since 2012. Fucking tree surgeons, fuck off.”