Weather enters 'what the f**k should I wear' phase

THE arrival of spring means people across the UK will be wearing the wrong thing every day for the next two months.

Due to the weather constantly dicking about, it will be impossible for anyone to judge whether they should leave the house wearing a swimming costume or a full ski suit.

Carolyn Ryan said: “There was blazing sunshine at 8am, and the weather forecast said it was going to be warm all day, so I wore a sundress and sandals. However, by lunchtime I was worried I’d get frostbite if I nipped out for a sandwich.

“I was trying to avoid what happened yesterday, when it was grey and rainy in the morning. I judged it best to wear my padded coat and winter boots, which meant that I almost passed out in the burning sunshine as I walked to Tesco.

“People say the best thing to do is wear layers, but layers of what? A sarong with a fur coat on top? A full set of thermals and a sun hat? A magic cape? This season is a total ballache.”

A Met Office spokesman said: “It’s impossible even for us to judge what the f**k is going to happen in spring so don’t bother looking at the forecast. Just carry a survival kit of an umbrella and factor 50 suncream at all times.”

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Woman conclusive winner of open relationship

A WOMAN who agreed to her boyfriend’s insistent requests for an open relationship is completely smashing it, she has confirmed.

Lucy Parry, aged 23, who only agreed with boyfriend Jack Browne’s repeated requests that they both sleep with other people to shut him up, is now outscoring him seven to one.

She said: “Hey, it wasn’t my idea. I was quite happy with monogamy. No, correct that: I wrongly believed I was quite happy with monogamy.

“Since then Jack’s shagged that girl off the internet who doesn’t message him any more, and I’ve been on 18 dates in high-end restaurants with severely hot guys. Great call, Jack.

“It’s amazing the sheer quality of cock you can get with ‘open relationship looking for fun!’ in your bio. When you’re a woman. Who pays no attention to her jealous boyfriend’s glares as she flirts with them while he’s watching Reacher.

“He’s hinted that we might want to ‘bring the experiment to a close’. Mm. Not really your decision, is it, dude who can’t get a shag? It’s over when I say it’s over, and I just swiped right on a dude who’s six foot eight. So it’s not over.”

Browne said: “There’s actually no such thing as ‘winning’ a non-monogamous relationship. It’s based on mutual trust and respect. So nobody’s winning and Lucy should stop now. Please.”