Werewolf!

STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

The discovery of mutilated animal carcasses in rural Gloucestershire has prompted local speculation that tonight’s full moon may be an evil one.

Club-footed farm hand Tom Logan, who knows of such things, said: “What lurks in yonder darkness is neither man, nor beast. It is a thing of the devil that loves naught but blood, and has no place on this earth.”

Logan, whose grandmother Peg had the second sight, added: “Only a fool would venture out tonight.”

The alleged werewolf is most probably the result of a curse placed on a local aristocrat by a vengeful witch.

Barmaid Emma Bradford said: “The old folk reckon his lordship’s seventh son – no, I am not to speak of this, not to outsiders.

“You must leave now. Drink your drink and go.”

Apprentice blacksmith Stephen Malley has to cross the moors tonight if he is to catch the morning train to London.

He said: “I feel a certain amount of trepidation, yet I have little choice but to travel this evening.

“I have promised to buy a Ministry of Sound Beach House CD for my cousin Nell’s birthday.”

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Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Liverpool are set to host Manchester United tomorrow afternoon in a cup tie that has promised such high levels of humorous banter that all police leave in the region has been cancelled.

Members of the general public living near the ground have been warned that there may be random outbreaks of large groups of men just having a bit of a laugh and a joke. Police have also stated that a badly-aimed chorus of Ferry Across The Mersey can have somebody’s eye out.

Evra said: “Smalling and Jones are going to be replaced by ex-SAS officers to try and fend off the thousands of fans that might want to run onto the pitch to share a delicious bon mot whilst spitting playfully in my face.

“Games between Liverpool and United are always highly witty affairs but this one has the potential to be dangerously hilarious.”

Evra will be targeted by Liverpool’s 40,000 jokers during the match after he provoked Luis Suarez by being present during their previous game against each other, a fact that many fans are expected to remind him of using a variety of colourful phrases.

The kick off has been moved to 1245 in a bid to reduce the amount of ‘joviality juice’ the Liverpool fans can manage to consume before the game and the United fans will remain in the ground for an hour after the game ends to ensure their sides aren’t split with mirth on the way to the train station.

Evra added: “The fans may also wish to remember that I’m French. I’m sure they can do something with that.”