Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet

CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

The telepathic communication between planets happened last night following the announcement that aliens’ internet hate weapon, Mail Online, had become Earth’s most popular news website.

Mandible owner Dacre, whose true form is that of a giant tar-coloured grasshopper, locked his office door and stepped out of his human-shaped latex suit to deliver the good news to his master, a swirling purple cloud known only as The Ultimate Being.

Speaking in an unearthly clicking-based tongue, Dacre said: “Mighty one, the psychological destruction of the human race is complete.

“My plan to introduce the Kardashians and other American fuckwits that humans in Europe have never heard of – with the objective of snaring the sizeable US moron demographic – worked better than I had dreamed.”

He continued: “It seems the earthlings are stupider than we had even dared hope. It is all too easy to manipulate their self-hate, xenophobia and cellulite-related neuroses.

“Phase Three – total global war – will begin shortly. Littlejohn has prepared the trigger feature, entitled ‘Kill everyone now’, the sub editors are just wiping the dribble off it.”

“When the humans have all but destroyed themselves, I will send the signal to dispatch the saucers.”

The Ultimate Being said: “You have done well Dacre. It pleases me.

“When the invasion is complete you shall have your own hive and as many females as can be mustered.”

Feelers waggling lustfully, Dacre replied: “But Vorderman, can I have Vorderman?”

The Ultimate Being said: “You may have her, to do with as you wish.”



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Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln

SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.

The psychic has assembled a crack team of dead lawyers to defend her reputation against claims that she obviously makes it all up.

Her spokesman, who died of an illness about 10 or 20 years ago, said: “Wooooooooh. Tell the Daily Mail that we know what they did. Tell them Abraham Lincoln is coming to get them. Wooooooooooh.”

He added: “Everything is getting all misty so I have to go back to heaven now, but we will see you… iiiiiiiin cooooooouuuuuurt.”

Legal experts said Morgan will be unbeatable with the combined skills of Lincoln, Darrow – the defence lawyer in the landmark ‘Scopes monkey trial’ – and the much loved author of Rumpole of the Bailey.

Bill McKay, editor of What Lawyer?, said: “Mortimer is very difficult to reach and even then he rarely agrees to take on cases in the mortal world, so Sally must be a really good psychic.

“Meanwhile, she’ll be able to win over the jury as long as one of them has a dead relative whose name begins with an ‘A’ or possibly an ‘F’ and who liked chocolate biscuits and used to work in an office.”

Morgan is also lining up character witnesses including Mahatma Gandhi, Princess Diana and Jesus.