Who are these environment-hating dickheads Sunak is appealing to? Me

By Roy Hobbs

YOU’D think I’d be concerned about the Earth, due to it being where I live every day. But you’d be wrong. I f**king hate it, and anything that makes it uninhabitable is fine by me.

Rishi Sunak is dead right to scrap green targets. In fact, he should be increasing pollution. Give everyone a free 4×4 on the condition they keep the engine running 24 hours a day. That’s an environmental target I’d like to see – pissing off as many smug greenies and liberals as possible.

Why, you might ask, am I so vehemently opposed to the environment? The answer is simple: it annoys me.

Take trees. Everyone thinks they’re so great but all they do is stand there, making a pointless rustling sound and blocking the sun to my greenhouse. Let’s chop them down, all of them. See my patio furniture over there? Plastic. We don’t need wood anymore, so piss off, trees. 

And of course there’s the cost. British families will pay £15,000 a year extra for green nonsense under Labour. That’s an estimate by a government that lies about more or less everything, reported by newspapers that are mostly right-wing propaganda that would make Pravda look sophisticated, so I see no reason to doubt it.

Another reason to hate the environment is the protestors, especially Greta Thunberg, who has an ugly square face. I’d like to round up every one of them and say: ‘We’re going to shoot you, or an endangered monkey. Which one is it going to be?’ We’d soon see what hypocrites they are. 

And what about progress? I suppose these idiots want us all to live in holes in the ground with no lightbulbs or internet, eating spiders and woodlice to survive. Because that’s the choice we face – burning fossil fuels or living in caves. No one in history has ever reached a sensible compromise before. It’s not possible.

But despite being clear about my environmental views, people still say to me: ‘But Roy, climate change is already wreaking havoc in parts of the world. Aren’t you concerned, even if it’s purely out of self-interest?’

My answer is ‘no’. I’ll happily watch the world burn even if I go up with it. And the great thing is there are millions of bloodyminded, spiteful idiots just like me. See you at the polling station.

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Shakira, and other singers treated like deities for dancing around a bit

CAN you sing and dance at the same time, like a fairly competent karaoke regular? If so, why not make millions and have a fanbase that loves you with religious fervour, like these artists?


Shakira’s affected twang is so easy to drunkenly sing and shake your arse to that she’s now a megastar. Also, her hip gyrations and marriage to an average footballer put her top of every fantasising husband’s favourite celebrity list. She claims ‘hips don’t lie’ in the song of the same name, but they probably do if you’re feigning sexual enthusiasm. You won’t find hips putting in a fraudulent tax return, though, so we’ll concede she’s partially correct.

Justin Timberlake

Being the fittest one in a group that looked like police e-fits from 1997 was enough to catapult Justin to a solo career. We say solo, but all his good songs were written by actual musicians like Timbaland and Pharrell while Justin followed the moves from an MC Hammer workout video. Popping and locking was all he had, and his last notable appearance was as an animated troll. Somewhat unfairly everyone still wants to shag him.


Unfounded catchphrases and a waving palm have made Beyoncé pop music’s Messiah to a scary number of adult disciples who would cry and shit themselves if she did a half-arsed dance routine to the Emmerdale theme. Performing for almost three hours a night on a worldwide tour is impressive, but you sat through Oppenheimer AND managed to eat loads of snacks while doing it. It’s a pretty similar achievement.

Bruno Mars

This pint-sized pest cosplayed as a successful musician, then actually became one. His popularity peaked with Uptown Funk, making him a favourite for lazy ad agencies and children’s parties. The Internet age was more than kind to the James Brown wannabe, who had a dreadful viral hit with his mates dressed up as monkeys. Luck also shone on his songs about marriage, which made shitloads of money thanks to awful couples and crap wedding DJs. 

Lady Gaga

Madonna did Vogue, so Lady Gaga copied it to get up the ladder. Despite being a dab hand at infectious hooks, she debuted with a song forcing people to dance, which for crap dancers was incredibly cruel. As was enlisting every weird fringe member of society into a zombie legion of fans, unflatteringly called her ‘monsters’. After a memorable few years shocking everyone’s grandparents with meat clothes, Stefani decided to stop prancing around and sing properly, but by then everyone had stopped caring and was watching Nicki Minaj thrust on the floor instead.

Michael Jackson

Initially the cute kid that sang songs more enjoyable to listen to than Pop Goes the Weasel, the King of Pop swapped his cutesy voice for manic hip thrusts, sparkly gloves, and a famous dance move he nicked from Shalamar. His hits involved Michael screeching out constipation noises and scampering across the stage for ages, which was entertaining enough. Then it all went wrong, and nowadays your karaoke rendition of Billie Jean would be cut short by a beating from local paedo ‘vigilantes’.