Sunak committed to reach Tory support zero by 2030

THE prime minister’s decision to delay phasing out petrol and diesel cars is all part of a plan to utterly stamp out Tory support by 2030.

Rowing back on his climate promises and condemning the planet to a fiery doom is the latest in a long line of policies specially designed to wipe out any lingering support for the Conservative party ahead of next year’s election.

Sunak said: “There are still some diehards in Uxbridge and South Ruislip. Hopefully clogging the air with noxious fumes should crush their enthusiasm.

“It’s not like we still want to be in power. We’ve spent the last decade running this country into the ground to make a bit of cash, but the fun’s worn off and for some reason everyone treats us like shit. It’s time to move on.

“Why else do you think I’ve been haemorrhaging support by flying helicopters to climate conferences and driving without a seatbelt? It’s not just because I’m out of touch and incompetent, I actively don’t want to be here.

“Ordering factories to keep cranking out petrol and diesel cars for the foreseeable future should deter all but the most rabid of backbenchers from voting Conservative. And I’ll put them off next by saying something wild like migrants should have human rights.

“Look, I’ve even managed to piss off Ford, so the message should be obvious. Read between the lines and boot us out next year, I beg you.”

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Clitoris to be renamed after first man to find it

THE clitoris is to be renamed in honour of the first man to ever find it.

Males across the UK are planning expeditions to their partners’ genitals with the aim of being immortalised in history as the man the female sex organ is named after.

Martin Bishop, 38, believes he has finally pinned down the elusive clitoris after an arduous search spanning almost two decades.

He said: “It’s been a long time coming. I’ve made maps and charts, kept detailed logs of dates and times of my search. I had almost given up hope.

“But I was having sex with my girlfriend Helen when I stumbled upon something I’ve never come across before, a small, glistening beacon of female pleasure. Now all I have to do is find it again and put a flag on it.

“The clitoris – which will soon called ‘Martin’s Point’ – is just the start. I’m hoping to find the g-spot, mankind’s final frontier. In ten years’ time we’ll be calling it Bishop’s Valley.”

However other men are also racing to find the clitoris, potentially resulting in it having a different name like ‘Gary’s Nub’ and bedroom conversations such as: “Will you rub my Alan Hughes?” 

However Bishop’s long-term girlfriend, Helen Archer, said: “Last night he spent 30 minutes rubbing my left flap. I just got myself off after.”