The 2010s: Why they will be the worst decade next

THE current condemnation of the ‘noughties’ will be nothing compared to the kicking the 2010s are in for when their time comes. Here’s why:


The 00s protested against the Iraq war. The 10s decided f**k any form of caution, opened the door separating its worst instincts from its conscious decisions, and let its xenophobia out to play. An entire nation turned on itself in vicious infighting that elected Boris Johnson, all for the right to hate foreigners. That’s worse than the rise of Nuts magazine by some distance.


At least Brexit was a single prejudice. Over in America, in an attempt to balance the scales after electing a black liberal-ish president, they put an equal-opportunity bigoted moron spouting obvious bullshit in office. ‘Who could be a worse president than George W Bush?’ the 00s asked, and their question was answered.

Fun hatred on your phone

The decade when everyone got a smartphone was the decade when hate came to your pocket. On the bus? Bored at home? On your toilet break at work? Why not join in a massive pile-on against somebody you’d never heard of yesterday but now you can’t stop attacking until they lose their job? It’s even more fun than Snake on the Nokia!


Apart from the occasional mention of Thai ladyboys – thanks, Bridget Jones 2 – you’d struggle to find transphobia in the 00s, but then it blew up. By 2020 it was the hot new bigotry with tens of thousands of vicious proponents and millions more keeping very, very quiet in case they accidentally said something that was fine in 2011 and Nazi propaganda now.

Dick pics

If a man wanted to a woman to see his penis in the 00s, he had to do it the old-fashioned way: pull it out and waggle it. Not so in the decade following, where dating apps and AirDrop mean flashers can send a thousand cocks an hour, each as unwelcome as the last. This is not better than when a woman could get through 10 years seeing six dicks.


And there was 2016, the Brexit/Trump year and the year that sadly told you that every celebrity you had ever loved had gone to live on a farm far away. Whether Muhammed Ali or Kenny Baker, Caroline Aherne or George Michael, David Bowie or Carrie Fisher, we lost the lot. We lost Victoria Wood and Prince in a single bloody weekend.

Next: The 2020s, a decade which began with a pandemic and global lockdown and went downhill from there.

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Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

After renewing contracts with failing rail operators Avanti and CrossCountry, and refusing to commit to HS2 going beyond Birmingham, Tory ministers have admitted they want to stop people travelling altogether.

A Conservative spokesman said: “Now that the Red Wall is turning back to Labour, we have no further use for any part of the country above Leicester, especially those bolshy Scottish bastards.

“We’re going to slowly but surely cut them off by making it increasingly difficult to travel. I mean, have you tried getting an Avanti train from London to Glasgow? The experience will make you want to pluck out your own eyeballs through sheer frustration.

“Delayed, overcrowded trains act as a good deterrent to travel, but we’ve found the best method is simply cancelling most of them. A train that doesn’t exist can’t be late, so then we can give privatised rail companies a bonus for improving punctuality.

“CrossCountry also runs an appalling service, which is why we’ve given them an eight-year contract, and HS2 will be essentially pointless. That’ll teach those fickle northern twats for only liking us when we were spewing racist Brexit propaganda.”

Train customer Tom Logan said: “There is a special place in hell for Avanti trains. And I appear to be going to it.”