Why you should stop what you're doing and form an opinion about Ulez, by a Londoner

DON’T drive? Not in London? It doesn’t matter. This is why you must cease your provincial nonsense and immediately form an opinion about Ulez expansion:

It affects the nation’s capital

This isn’t a trifling concern taking place in some backwater like Birmingham or Sheffield. No. It’s happening in London, that last bastion of all that is pure and good. If, heaven forbid, the capital of this great country becomes an extortionate, inhospitable hell hole, what would happen to Britain?

Up to 10 per cent of motorists in the city’s outer regions will be impacted

Imagine it. A relatively small number of people driving old diesel cars around Romford will be forced to pay £12.50 or buy a new one. If they can’t afford either then there’s only a sprawling, massively subsidised public transport system to fall back on. Makes your little problems with low wages and unemployment look like nothing, doesn’t it?

There’s no telling where the madness of clean air will end

Now that London has fallen to the tyranny of Sadiq Khan and his despotic plot to make children breathe clean air, what’s next? Will the rest of the country be forced to implement clean air zones? What do you mean, there are already several? Well why hasn’t the media covered them, then?

It’s a war on innocent motorists

They’re already charged more for their diesel, and now they’re being charged to drive? Just because pollution is killing a trifling 4,000 people a year? What next? Enforcing safety regulations? Clearing shit out of rivers? When will this fascist nightmare end?

The Resistance has begun

Unlike Just Stop Oil, who should be crushed by the law, the Ulez Resistance are heroes. Cutting wires, blocking cameras, refusing to put up signs: finally revolutionaries have arrived that the Daily Mail approves of. Do you want to tell your children ‘First, they came for the drivers of 12-year-old Kia Sportages, and I did nothing’?

The fate of the next election hangs in the balance

If the recent by-election in Uxbridge and South Ruislip is anything to go by, Ulez could swing the whole nation behind the Tories. That’s assuming the rest of the country has the same attitudes as a outer London constituency that elected Boris Johnson for years and is narrowly within the Ulez. And why wouldn’t it?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man who pretended to like astrology to get laid had no idea how deep this shit goes

A MAN who claimed to be passionate about astrology to impress a date was unaware of how deep the astrological rabbit-hole goes. 

Jack Browne, aged 23, slipped a white lie about being ‘bang into horoscopes’ into conversation with date Grace Wood-Morris, unprepared for the onslaught of lore he was about to face.

He said: “I told her I was a Taurus, which is like hard-headed and logical and that. I do sometimes scan Mystic Meg in the Sun if I’ve read all the football.

“Then she asked for my sun, moon and rising signs, and I was already in over my head. I had to Google what the f**k a ‘retrograde’ is in the loo. I don’t know how long I can be expected to keep this up.

“I had no idea bullshit could get this complicated. Earth’s involved, wind and fire are involved, Neptune’s in the fourth house and there’s something going on with property, even though I’ve told her I’m renting.

“It’s absolutely mental and more incomprehensible than later Harry Potter films. Still, I reckon I’ve bluffed well enough to get a shag out of it.”

Wood-Morris said: “Shag him? A Taurus? When I’m Sagittarius? Doesn’t he realise we’re quincunx?”