'Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Boulogne': a joke book for pedantic knobheads

PREFER pedantry to humour? Keep being told jokes that rely on inaccuracies or deliberate misunderstandings? Shut them down with these answers: 

‘Where did Napoleon keep his armies?’

Initially, the Grand Armée, as it became called, was garrisoned at Boulogne ahead of an aborted attempt to invade Britain. He may have been foolish enough to invade Russia but he knew better than to take us on. Are you particularly interested in military history?

‘How do you make a Swiss roll?’

Mix sugar, eggs and flour together, bake for 12 minutes on 180C, spread jam or cream filling for preference, then roll carefully into a tube.

‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

Perhaps he just wanted to use the new pedestrian crossing on the A257. However, chickens generally steer clear of the highway in favour of a more bucolic setting, and are also famously inscrutable in regard to their motives.

‘An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar…’

Given their spread of national backgrounds and resulting general knowledge, they have a decent chance of scoring well in the pub quiz. I, however, will win.

‘A horse walks into a bar…’

The barman says: ‘I’m astonished to witness a horse here on account of the steps up to the relatively small door and the fact horses have an enzyme that breaks alcohol down extremely quickly, meaning it’s difficult for them to get drunk.’

My dog’s got no nose. How does he smell?

Dogs smell extremely well, with up to 300 million olfactory receptors compared to humanity’s five million. However without a nose the dog is virtually blind and should be put to sleep.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

His name. The spade is irrelevant.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Pterodactyls lived about 165 to 66 million years ago, and the first toilets were thought to have been invented only about 5,000 years ago, so pterodactyls died out approximately 65,995,000 years before toilets existed. 65,999,752 years for flush toilets.

What was ET short for?

Extra Terrestrial. The film is actually titled ET the Extra Terrestrial. From the Latin root of ‘extra’ for outside and ‘terra’ for Earth.

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Weasels tend to be slightly smaller and more slender than stoats. When weasels run, they generally stay close to the ground, whereas stoats have more of a bounding action.

What’s brown and sticky?

A number of things, including but not limited to parcel tape, Afghan heroin, and Manuka honey. However, since the answer is meant to elicit humour, the answer is: a turd.

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Friend’s other friends worst people imaginable

A WOMAN meeting the other close friends of a person she dearly cares about was horrified to discover they are all inconceivably dreadful.

Joanna Kramer was looking forward to meeting the social circle of her funny, considerate, and kind friend Lucy Parry only to find they are atrocious bellends to a man.

Joanna said: “Lucy and I have known each other for years, have deep, intelligent conversations and share values. So it’s a shock to find her other mates are knobheads.

“Seriously. Macca’s a drug-dealing DJ, Chris obsessively collects and talks about collecting Funko Pops, and Steph has a tattoo of Morgan Freeman on her inner thigh. It’s not finished because she ran out of money. Six years ago.

“They shouted obnoxious things that are apparently in-jokes but sound like the ravings of a washed-up internet celebrity. Steph asked if anyone would mind if she pissed in the bin. Macca got a bag of speed out. Then Lucy showed up and acted like this was normal.

“She asked what was up, I told her, and she laughed it off and said that’s just how they are and I’d get used to them. I said I’d rather get used to syphilis which she immediately repeated to her mates as if they’d find it hilarious. They didn’t.

“Our friendship is clearly some kind of strange alchemy that only works one-on-one. Which explains why she called my book club mates ‘pretentious f**king wankers’.”