No sympathy for bastards stuck on holiday

ANYONE forced to stay a few extra days in Ibiza or Crete because of air traffic control delays is receiving no sympathy whatsoever. 

Across the world, flight disruption has seen thousands of Britons trapped in idyllic holiday locations against their will sipping cocktails, watching sunsets and complaining about it on social media.

Van driver Tom Logan said: “You’re stranded in Madrid? Well my heart f**king bleeds.

“These people have had a bonus citybreak added to their beach holiday, and they expect us to feel sorry for them? What next, a comforting hand around their shoulder because they’ve got extra fries in their McDonald’s bag?

“I’m having to do Dave’s shift while he tops up his tan in Marmaris but he’s acting the victim because, and I quote, ‘we’ve been in the airport for 36 hours now’?

“Ever heard of taxis, mate? Pop over to the beach, rent a sunbed on the airline’s dollar, enjoy good fortune while it smiles on you. Who wouldn’t want more holiday?”

He added: “Slacking off I call it. I’ve told the boss to fire him.”

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'If only there were more bank holidays', says man yet to realise he can pull a sickie whenever he wants

A MAN mourning the last of the summer bank holidays has not discovered he can make any weekend three days long simply by lying.

Investment broker Ryan Whittaker admitted to friends he had really enjoyed the three day weekend and that it was a shame there would be no more this year, to their bemusement.

He said: “I looked at my calendar and sighed. No more getting happily drunk on a Sunday knowing there was no work tomorrow. ‘We should have one for Halloween,’ I said, then my mate Andy called me a f**king idiot.

“He said, ‘Why do you think I’ve had four Mondays and three Fridays off in eight months? You didn’t think I was genuinely ill, you credulous prick?’ I was dumbfounded.

“Turns out everyone’s having three-day weekends all over the place using this thing called a ‘sickie’, where you call work claiming you’re ill but – get this – you’re not.

“You can use it whenever you fancy a day off, do a couple of days if you’re really not in the mood, and all you have to do is come up with a shameful, disgusting list of symptoms. A small price to pay.

“I reckon this could be even better than bank holidays. You choose when you have it, all the shops are open, it’s amazing. Workplaces should tell everyone about it.”