Will snow lead to better crime dramas?

FREEZING Britons expect the newly-Arctic UK to lead to a spate of compelling crime-based television.

As the country becomes Scandinavian, hopes are also high for an increase in Eurovision points and more tall, athletic blonde people.

Scandinologist Wayne Hayes said: “By this time next year the average Wetherspoons will be full of lusty wenches and hairy warriors telling tall tales of cracking their enemies’ skulls. The only difference will be the number of healthy teeth they all have.

“Also everyone’s skin will now look ruddier and healthier than the contents of an ashtray.”

Police shows are expected to see the biggest improvement, with the new series of Midsomer Murders scheduled for 12 episodes of gritty but elegant drama in the bleak tundra of Causton.

The show’s usual mix of faint comedy and soporific plot lines will also be revamped, with Chief Inspector Barnaby replaced by Tilda Swinton being emotionally distant while wearing a  parka that obscures 80 percent of her face.

The change in climate will also see Britain’s world-renowned comedy replaced by Scandinavian-style lavatory humour with the BBC commissioning eight series of the new sitcom Mrs Bjørnebye’s Boys.

Hayes added: “Suicide and pickled fish may not be to everyone’s taste but at least we won’t have to go to barbecues full of twats.”

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Formula One launches race unfixing probe

F1 BOSSES have launched an investigation after a race somehow became unfixed.

Footage of the Malaysian Grand Prix allegedly shows Sebastian Vettel operating his car in the manner of someone trying to win.

The resulting controversy has left everyone not obsessed by Formula One deeply confused.

A Red Bull team spokesman said: “We take allegations of racing extremely seriously.

“Drivers must remember that this is not a sport but a deeply weird and monotonous pre-programmed entertainment experience that is completely incomprehensible to sane people.

“Kind of like Wacky Races but with odder drivers, more ridiculous-looking cars and lots of girls who look like hookers.”

F1 devotee Julian Cook said: “You could clearly see Vettel trying to accelerate past another car in order to make his car go over the finish line first.

“According to the twisted logic of the bizarre quasi-sport that I love for no apparent reason, this is quite unacceptable.

“If it’s proven that Vettel was trying to win, Bernie Ecclestone should have him thrown into a pit of scorpions.

“Although in some of the countries where they do F1 I think that would considered an excessively humane form of punishment.”