Won't someone stop these Just Stop Oil scum giving me an erection?

By retired accountant Roy Hobbs

JUST Stop Oil has crossed a line by smearing cake on a waxwork of King Charles. It’s time to come down hard on them, and it’s causing unusual sensations in my trousers.

When I saw the dirty hippie rabble befouling our beloved King with cake, my thoughts immediately turned to punishment, at which point my loins began to tingle in a not-entirely-unpleasant way normally reserved for pictures of Penny Mordaunt in a bathing suit.

Public floggings would be a good start for Just Stop Oil, but why not bring back medieval punishments like cutting off their ears, or breaking their arms and legs on a wheel? And of course boiling them in oil would add a dash of irony to their desperate, agonised screams.

Excuse me, I must go to the bathroom.

Sorry about that. Obviously we must prioritise deterrence. As soon as they start glueing themselves to petrol pumps I’d like to see platoons of muscular, highly-disciplined Coldstream Guards unleash volley after volley so that the streets are piled high with the mangled, bloodied corpses of hippies. Yes, definitely that.

This would serve as a warning to other ‘greens’. It’s simply not right that they can disrupt the lives of decent people, making me hide my crotch with a cushion because I had – perfectly understandably – been imagining mass hangings with piano wire.

There’s a time and a place for sexual arousal, and it is once every six months in the bedroom with my wife, not in front of Huw Edwards and The Ten O’Clock News when I inadvertently thought about protesters being ripped to pieces by dogs.

Don’t get me wrong – I care about the environment. There’s just a right way to go about it, such as putting a yoghurt pot in the recycling, and a wrong way, ie. direct action highlighting untold suffering for mankind and nature by mocking an unconvincing likeness of our monarch.

So let’s hope the authorities are ready for the next Just Stop Oil demonstration, ideally with genital electrodes and flamethrowers. Let’s end this ‘save the planet’ madness and let my poor todger rest in peace.

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Race no barrier to being an unpopular Tory prime minister, UK confirms

BRITISH people are proud to live in a country where race is no longer a barrier to being an overprivileged, out-of-touch Conservative leader.

With Rishi Sunak becoming the UK’s first British Asian prime minister, voters have confirmed they are delighted to welcome him into the fold of rich, privately educated bastards who have had the top job.

Aisha Ray from Brighton said: “It’s wonderful for people of Asian descent like me to know that, if your parents send you to an exclusive fee-paying school and you become a millionaire banker, you can work your way up to the upper echelons of British twattery.

“After all, why should it only be white people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss who get to drive the country into the ground for the sake of their own egos? Equality means equality, after all.”

Roy Hobbs from Brighouse said: “All those people who claim multiculturalism has failed should take a look at Rishi Sunak’s achievement. I’m over the moon that we can have an Asian chap with an FPN for illegal partying in office, just the same as a white guy.

“Will I vote for him? Of course. I consistently vote against my own interests, and Rishi will be no exception.”