How to ruin your enjoyment of food by becoming a self-proclaimed foodie

DO you have the tosspot-factor it takes to declare yourself a ‘foodie’? If so here’s how it will curse your enjoyment of eating.

Nothing can be simple

Previously, your idea of elevating beans on toast was adding a dash of Worcester sauce. But now you bake your own sourdough, soak your own pulses and peel each tomato before slowly boiling them down into sauce. And grating some cheddar on top isn’t acceptable, you need to source smoked scamorza from Italy. Even simple meals are now such a palaver that you’ve started to hate food.

Your kitchen is a nightmare

Since giving yourself ‘foodie’ status, you haven’t got room in your kitchen for all your weird types of grain, not to mention the condiments. Your cupboards are bulging with za’tar, shisho and four different types of balsamic vinegar. With any luck the shelf you put up for your new recipe book collection will collapse and you’ll be put out of your misery by a falling Ottolenghi hardback.

It’s hard work

Being a proper foodie means hours of study. You’ll get horrifying flashbacks to GCSE French as you find yourself trying to remember how to pronounce names of cheeses and shapes of pasta. Cookery books now contain lengthy, self-involved essays by the chef as well as the recipes, so you’ll never get round to enjoying the latest Val McDermid.

You’re bankrupting yourself

It’s not just the fact that the rare Spanish ham you need for your signature crostini is only available via a painfully expensive online importer, it’s that you can’t just pop down to Boots for a quick meal deal at lunch like you used to. Instead, you walk two miles to a fancy deli for a focaccia lampredotto, which costs a fortune and annoys your boss because you’re late back to your desk.

Your friends and family hate you

You refuse to go to Nando’s for a cheap group meal, you won’t shut the f**k up about the ubiquity of truffle oil, and you’re generally a pain in the arse to be around. And to top off the misery, you’ve starting to think your new hobby isn’t worth it, and you’ve got an intense craving for a Greggs steak bake.

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Monty Don, and other celebrities your mum would leave your dad for in a heartbeat

YOUR parents have been happily married for years. But if anyone of these blokes tried to woo her, your mum would chuck your dad in an instant.

Kevin McCloud

No ordinary man stands a chance next to this thoughtful, measured leather-jacket-clad siren. If he ever showed an interest in your mum, your dad would be living out of a suitcase in your spare room while she’s lording it up with McCloud in an architectural gem in the Dordogne.

Monty Don

With his sensitive gardening hands and a voice so rich and chocolatey it makes your mum’s knee replacements quiver, Monty Don is the ultimate dream boat for seniors. Unlike your father, Monty has interests beyond drinking Old Peculiar in front of the rugby, and your mum longs to roll around with him on a bed of chrysanthemums at Longmeadow.

Alexander Armstrong

Picture the scene: your mum’s bridge club have been bussed in to be in the audience for a taping of Pointless and Armstrong flashes her a wink from behind his podium. Instantly, she’s sprinting onto the set, tearing off her wedding ring, ready for a hot slice of middle-aged quiz host. And if she’s misread the situation, she’ll settle for Osman.

Paul Hollywood

Paul Hollywood ia a gorgeous silver fox with eyes like sapphires filled with sexy hate and he can bake. Your dad meanwhile, is a retired plumber with a questionable moustache and bad breath. If Hollywood came knocking, your mum would be like a moth to that burning Scouse flame.

Dermot O’Leary

Don’t think that your mum wouldn’t throw everything away for one night of sordid passion with this fine hunk. Who cares that he’s two decades younger than her at a mere 49-years-old? As far as she’s concerned, being a young whippersnapper makes him all the more exciting.