Man sends dick pic to his wife

A WOMAN was horrified to receive a photo of her husband’s penis after he sent it to her under the misapprehension she would find it sexy.

Nathan Muir WhatsApped his wife Carolyn a poorly lit shot of his genitals taken in the office bathroom during his lunch break, in a wildly misguided act of romance.

Carolyn Muir said: “I was in a meeting when the alert popped up and thought some awful emergency must have happened for him to be messaging in the middle of the day.

“When the photo first loaded I was perplexed as to why he’d sent me a picture of a what looked like a Peperami he’d rescued from a bin. Then I realised what it was and nearly threw the phone across the room out of sheer disgust.

“I see that limp little thing every morning and evening, so why he thought it would take on some sort of incredible sexual allure while I was talking my boss through the quarterly sales report is beyond me.

“Did I reciprocate? Are you mental? I’m well aware that no sane person wants to see a grainy, badly-focussed picture of my muff. Not even bloody Nathan.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Phew, this undemocratic process nearly got silly, says public

THE public is pleased Boris Johnson has pulled out of the leadership race because he would have made a mockery of the otherwise completely reasonable process.

Britons have let out a collective sigh of relief that their next leader will not be a buffoonish clown man as he would have caused the whole undemocratic leadership contest to look like a farcical joke.

Roy Hobbs from Shrewsbury said: “Thank f**k. Now it’s just down to two front-runners 99.9 per cent of the population don’t have a say in. Much better.

“Could you imagine how stupid we’d look on the world stage if Johnson came back? Letting a bunch of in-fighting MPs squabble between Sunak and Mordaunt behind closed doors comes across as much more professional.”

Charlotte Phelps from Doncaster said: “It would have been silly. A disgraced prime minister back for round two after his replacement shat the bed? Only a total moron would have gone along with that.

“Although thinking about it, Johnson did the statesmanlike thing by stepping back. So I’ll definitely vote for him after whoever takes over next gets booted out. It’ll probably only be a few weeks, after all.”